THE world doesn’t shut down for Christmas, and nor does your libido. But when are the best and worst times to have a festive one off the wrist?
Christmas Eve: worst
It’s the most magical time of Christmas, wrapping presents, sipping sherry, Carols from King’s on TV, and you’re nipping off for a bout of self-pleasure? With a robin perched on a snowy branch outside chirruping Jingle Bells watching you? No. Simply no.
Christmas morning: best
There’s nothing much going on once you’ve opened your presents, so in the spirit of self-indulgence why not lie down and crank one out? You’ve already had a 10am prosecco and you deserve a treat. And there’s so much seasonally-themed porn it’d be rude not to.
Christmas afternoon: worst
You’re bloated, sleepy and at the level of drunk that means any pause in drinking will hit you with an immediate hangover. Fumbling beneath your turkey-distended belly for your genitals will only end in disappointment, and possibly a climactic fart.
Boxing Day: worst
There are relatives round, and whenever there’s a loo free for a swift bout of Emilia-Clarke-in-Last–Christmas-based self-abuse, it’s been recently occupied by someone laying the richest, most festively-fragranced turd of their whole year. You could pass out or die.
December 27th-30th: best
There’s piss-all going on and everyone’s absorbed in their presents or watching telly or napping anyway, so you’re wanking in a winter wonderland. Really make a pig of yourself, like with the Belgian truffles and bowls of crisps. Five a day’s not too many.
New Year’s Eve: worst
Not being bent over the bed and railed hard by the dude of your dreams on NYE means your year’s been a failure. Lying there strumming away imagining it only compounds that failure. Get out there and get laid, tonight of all nights.
New Year’s Day: best
Start as you mean to go on. Wanking.
