Big shot who lives in London swanning around mundane hometown for Christmas

A MAN who lives in London is spending the holidays walking around the town he grew up in as if he is king of it.

Joshua Hudson has been lording it over the locals, making endless snarky comments about crap local shops and how everything is ‘dirt cheap’ compared to ‘down South’, which is not particularly true.

He said: “I only visit once a year because of my busy life in London. Where I live. In London. But nothing here ever changes. I mean, would it kill them to get a khao pad bar?

“I like to show people what they could achieve with a bit of hard work and by moving to London. It’s kind of a public service. Some don’t like it, but I point out my trainers and jeans cost more than they earn in a month. It’s sad to see such small minds.

“They keep asking if I’m ‘still down in that London’. ’Which is so quaint. When I tell them I live in a warehouse in Hackney with seven other people for £1800 rent a month, I can tell they’re really impressed.

“Later I’m planning to drone on about Uber not existing here and then try to order an old fashioned in my parents’ local. All while trying to avoid anyone I went to school with in case they bully me.”

Before leaving Hudson will ask his parents to lend him some cash and discover his old neighbours’ very thick son earns four times more as a plasterer than he does as a marketing ‘executive’.

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Play Christmas Covid Cleudo: Which of your bastard guests has given you the virus?

FEELING a bit peaky? Use the clues to deduce which friend or family member has given you Covid in our fun interactive game.

Your guests turn up. Study them closely. They are:

Your mum. She’s a bit off-colour today, but says it’s nothing.

Uncle Roger, a nutty anti-vaxxer who refuses to wear a mask.

Gavin, your fitness fanatic estate agent brother-in-law.

Dr Phelps, your hardworking local GP who sees dozens of people every day. 

Suze, your pisshead friend who has doomed one-night stands with wankers. Hopefully this year it will be you.

You sit down for Christmas dinner. But things aren’t quite right:

Mum is drowsy and off her food. Normally she’ll gormlessly eat a massive tub of Quality Street with the blank expression of a cow chewing puked-up grass.

Gavin leaves the table early and goes to his room. He’s been doing this a lot.

Uncle Roger doesn’t try to give you an amateurishly produced pamphlet by Piers Corbyn with a title like They’re Putting Surveillance Cameras In Cats – The Facts

Suze isn’t shitfaced and chatting up a married bloke twice her age by now, firmly believing he’s ‘the one’.

While wandering around the house you find a number of suspicious items. They are:

Five packets of Benson & Hedges, but no one smokes.

A stash of 20 condoms.

An empty bottle of Baileys.

A container of dodgy Chinese pills labelled ‘Special Fitness Tablet For The Big Muscles And Penis’.

An extra-strength breath freshener spray. 

Suddenly you are feeling ill, and it’s not the turkey or thinking about how much Brendan O’Carroll gets paid for the f**kitted Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas special you’re watching. You’ve got the Covid, but you’ve also got enough clues to work out who gave it to you. Try and work it out.

The answer…

The culprit was: GAVIN. Here’s how you know…

Your mum hasn’t got the virus, she just got wankered on Baileys in the morning because it’s Christmas.

Uncle Roger is Covid-free because he’s an oddball with bad breath no one goes near, hence the spray.

Dr Phelps secretly smokes to cope with all the hypochondriac twats he has to deal with. He’s also a red herring in case smartarses are double-guessing.

Suze is just glum because she hasn’t shagged someone unsuitable using the condoms. 

Pathetic narcissist GAVIN was slipping away to do some weights. He thinks he’s so healthy he hasn’t had any jabs and is now more full of illness than a bubonic plague victim with herpes and a cold. 

You resign yourself to feeling shite all festive season, then slip out and key Gavin’s Audi in your drive. Partly because of the Covid, but also because he’s blocked you in yet again, the twat.