Kate to hammer out Chopsticks at Westminster Abbey concert

THE Duchess of Cambridge is to clumsily play Chopsticks on the piano at Westminster Abbey tonight, it has been confirmed.

After teasing her Instagram followers with a preview video, Kate Middleton will awkwardly jab out the notes to the annoying beginner’s piano tune during the Royal Carols: Together at Christmas concert.

Online listener Carolyn Ryan said: “I held my breath in anticipation as beautiful Princess Kate gracefully took her seat at the piano. It was the first public showcase of her musical talents, after all. Then it began.

“After a few false starts she was off. The timing wasn’t quite right and she hit a couple of minor keys by mistake, but you could tell she must have been up all night practising. She almost made it through without stopping.

“When the last irritating note had died away, she curtsied to the crowd and joked ‘I don’t do encores!’ But you could tell she’d play it five times more. Thank f**k she didn’t.”

Royal correspondent Denys Finch Hatton said: “It was a ropey and out-of-tune but otherwise virtuoso performance by a Grade 1 pianist at the height of her powers. Although if Meghan did it it would be a vile assault on classical music.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

F**king New Year still f**king on

THE nation’s partygoers are cursing the government’s refusal to lock down because it means f**king New Year is still f**king happening. 

Boris Johnson’s ongoing game of chicken with the Omicron variant means Boxing Day restrictions which were expected to close pubs, nightclubs and all the other New Year hellholes have been suspended indefinitely. 

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 25, said: “F**king Boris. Letting us go out and party to welcome in a new year. He’s lost my f**king vote. 

“Seriously, I’ve got to get an outfit now? And make plans to meet about seven different groups in different bars, half of which will suddenly be closed and the other half will suddenly add a £12 entry charge? 

“And get coke, and have to share it with twats, and get groped all night by blokes who think calendar changes make women horny, and wait 90 minutes in the freezing cold for an Uber that costs three times more than even my wildest projections. It sucks. 

“Now my only hope is to catch Covid from my lecherous uncle over the Christmas table. Fingers crossed.” 

Johnson replied: “Well I’m having an absolutely massive party at Downing Street, so f**k you.”