Coca-Cola made Santa red, and other tedious Christmas facts peddled by twats

LOOKING forward to the tedium of talking to arseholes who love Christmas trivia? Here are some well-known facts you’ll have patronisingly explained to you.

It’s actually a pagan festival, don’t you know?

One of your weird cousins, in a bid to be edgy, will say Christmas was originally a pagan festival. Well, Jesus’s mum was a virgin apparently (yeah, right), so not much stacks up with the story anyway. Who cares so long as you’re able to eat vast amounts of Roses?

Coca-Cola made Santa red

Some smug prick will say: ‘Did you know Santa wasn’t red until Coca-Cola portrayed him that way in an advert?’ This is common knowledge, or rather ‘common ignorance’ and you can relish being the top pedant when you tell them Santa has been a variety of different colours before Coke, including red, so he’s talking out his arse.

Trafalgar Square tree

If you stop to admire the massive Norwegian Christmas tree in Trafalgar Square, some know-it-all won’t miss the opportunity to point out that it’s a tradition dating back to WWII to thank Britain for saving Norway. Anyone who can read or understand a TV knows this. Plus it would be nice not to think about the Nazis at Christmas. 

‘Surprising’ Christmas hazards

For most people, Christmas decorations are comforting and fun. However some clever dick will hit you with precise statistics about how many people fall to their death every year while decorating the tree. And that drying-out conifer covered in cheap lights is a fire hazard that’ll see you and everyone you love burned to death. Merry Christmas to you too, Poundland Stephen Fry.

Christmas wreaths

No one stops to wonder why wreaths are a thing because there’s too much other weird stuff going on with Christmas. However, brace yourself for a tedious twat to tell you they actually symbolise the crown of thorns on Jesus’s head when he was crucified, and that the red berries are his blood. Beat him at his own morbid game by graphically explaining that Matchmakers represent the big, filthy iron nails hammered through Jesus’s wrists before he took days to die.

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How will you get your fill of blandness and tedium when Coldplay stop recording?

IN devastating news for lovers of the nondescript and the homoeopathically dilute, Coldplay will stop recording in 2025. So how to replicate listening to Chris Martin and the other ones?

Drink six consecutive pints of lukewarm orange squash

Not quickly, mind – slowly, over the course of an evening. Such is the experience of enduring Parachutes more than once. Don’t be tempted to make your squash too strong – keep it weak and flavourless. Careful now.

Go and visit a loading bay

On a Tuesday morning at 6am. In February. In Doncaster. Without bringing a book or phone. Experience the full-on dullness of Chris Martin’s self-absorption via endless the transportation of featureless cardboard boxes you have no interest in.

Collect your toenail clippings for a year, then eat them in a large sandwich

With the whitest, cheapest bread. You’ll find it at the far end of the bread aisle in Morrisons. If you find toenails too interesting and textured, use water as a sandwich filling instead.

Read aloud a full transcript of all speeches at the 2021 Liberal Democrat conference

Digesting the inconsequential thoughts of Ed Davey is just as exciting as the ponderous piano chords of Trouble meandering pointlessly round and round in your head.

Watch a blank VHS tape 60 times

Some might say Coldplay are making the right decision if they’ve run out of ideas, but that would imply that they ever ran into an idea in the first place. A blank tape binge is the perfect substitute for music that sounds of nothing.

Spend 45 minutes in the company of Gwyneth Paltrow

Listen to her twitter interminably about her range of vacuous, new age snake oil products for gullible featherheads and you’ll respect anyone with the stamina for sheer, solipsistic boredom that allows them to listen once to Coldplay’s Ghost Stories.