Playdate mum shunned for not serving pizza

A MOTHER hosting a playdate has affronted the community by serving children a meal other than pizza, leaving them ‘traumatised’. 

Parents have described picking up their shaken offspring up in a dramatic 6pm rescue mission and rushing them home still hungry, muttering ‘not pizza… not garlic bread… not pizza’.

Carolyn Ryan said: “Homemade chilli and rice? What was she thinking?

“What if the children had allergies to anything but one margerita, one pepperoni, and some cherry tomatoes and cucumber slices purely for virtue-signalling? Which effectively they have?

“And then ice cream for afters. Not cherry strudel. You can’t present a fussy six-year-old with that and expect him to do anything but cry and piss himself.

“What if her children are fancy like she is? What if they demand a pasta dish and homemade brownies with creme fraiche? We’ll have to never ever invite them to a playdate again.”

Ryan’s daughter Poppy said: “I didn’t like the food. It wasn’t pizza.”

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Bully who picked on her at school was right to do so, woman realises

A WOMAN has come to the unwelcome conclusion that her childhood bully had a point because she was an annoying little shit.

The shocking realization hit Hannah Tomlinson as she discussed school experiences with friends and was surprised to find the bully was just a girl called Gemma who she used to bug the shit out of.

Tomlinson said: “I never understood why she was so vicious, but it turns out it was because I was twatting around singing showtunes and making life deliberately hard for everyone around me.

“Objectively, was it harsh for her to throw my bag in the dinner bins? Yes. But had I, apparently, spent ten minutes gloating about my Sergio Tacchini tracksuit and mocking her knock-off Adidas? Also yes.

“And yeah, looking at photos, that is absolutely a bellend haircut. She had me bang to rights there.

“I remember it as a brutal reign of terror. Actually what happened is I stopped being such an arsehole and everyone was quite grateful to her.

“Still, I’m nothing like that now. Which I’ll be explaining to HR because I’m definitely being bullied by Andrew when he begs me to please shut up.”