Cricket for posh twats and everything follows from that, report finds

AN independent report has concluded that cricket is largely played by wanker posh boys and is therefore bad in all the ways that posh wankers are always bad. 

The Equity in Cricket report found racism, sexism, classism and elitism is widespread in the sport, that 58 per cent of England cricket players are privately educated, and invited the reader to fill in the f**king blanks.

It continued: “If only the rah-rah boys play and only the rah-rah boys watch, you’ve got a sport fit only for braying pricks in red trousers. Obviously.

“And since there’s no prospect of interesting anyone who wasn’t bred to take the boredom of a five-day Test in this pathetic excuse for a sport, it’s going to stay that way.

“They’re racist because the only black man they met was a genuine Nigerian prince at Harrow, they’re sexist because they’re trained not to think of women as people, they’re classist because even going to a minor public school makes you an oik. They’re posh twats.

“They’ll never change. And, given we can’t even get them out of government, we’re hardly going to kick them out of their own sport, are we?”

The report concluded that cricket should therefore be abolished and outlawed, and that nobody at all would miss it.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Eight protest songs that were crimes against humanity

THE Plastic Ono Band’s Give Peace A Chance makes listeners want to punch someone. These political songs are enough to turn anyone against their cause: 

Nelson Mandela by The Special AKA, 1984

A ska plea to end apartheid and free South African political prisoner Mandela that has one single earworm line. Props to the band for making ‘Nel-son Man-DAY-la’ into an unforgettable chorus, but its contribution to his freedom was negligible and it killed ska dead.

Give Peace a Chance by the Plastic Ono Band, 1969

The only protest song that name-checks comedian Tommy Cooper, it was written by John and Yoko in bed on their honeymoon and has all the political punch of a fart under the duvet. The couple give up on lyrics halfway through and just repeat ‘give peace a chance’. You won’t want to.

Russians by Sting, 1985

Amid the tension of the Cold War and the looming threat of mutually assured destruction, Sting waded in as a lone Geordie peacekeeping minstrel, pleading for common sense to prevail by rhyming biology with ideology and precedent with president. Sent the world to Defcon 2.

Earth Song, Michael Jackson, 1995

What about the elephants? bleats Jacko, what about the whales? And the forests burning, and wars and all the killing going on? Jacko basically lists everything wrong that man is doing, with certain close-to-home exceptions. His protest is lyrically incoherent, musically epic and was itself the subject of an arse-based protest by Jarvis Cocker.

19 by Paul Hardcastle, 1985

A Vietnam protest song released a decade after the war ended, its central message was that the average age of US combat soldiers in Vietnam was 19. It was in fact 22, but anyway. Synths, stuttered lyrics, news footage, laser pew-pew sounds and a military bugle make it a rolling thunder-style assault on the ears.

Just Say No by the Grange Hill Cast, 1985

Child actors who couldn’t sing covering a Nancy Reagan campaign song, adding a rap and filming the video at a school disco. Is there any wonder that the children who bought it progressed to be 90s rave kids double-dropping pills?

Biko by Simple Minds, 1989

Covering a powerful Peter Gabriel song about the police killing of anti-apartheid activist Steve Biko and f**king it right up, Simple Minds threw this onto their album Street Fighting Years along with the Northern Irish lament Belfast Child, Mandela Day and environmental blockbuster This Is Your Land. It killed their career.

Stand and Deliver by Eric Clapton and Van Morrison, 2020

Covid refuseniks Clapton and Van Morrison teamed up for this spectacularly awful anti-mask, anti-lockdown single. It’s hard hearing two musical greats crash like this, but also satisfying. Followed by anti-vaccine song This Has Gotta Stop, making Captain Tom’s You’ll Never Walk Alone seem musically transcendent.