FAST food chains are once again promoting their Christmas menus that have precious little to do with the festive season. Here’s why the whole gimmick is so f**king annoying.
It’s totally unrelated to Christmas
There’s no obvious connection between fast food and Christmas, and some of the festive offerings are truly lame, such as the ‘Meat Lovers Whopper sandwich’ featuring ‘chorizo, chipotle sauce and creamy mayo’. That is just so Christmassy! What Briton does not have fond childhood memories of Dad carving the chorizo?
It’s presented as news
It’s clear all the big chains have advertorial deals with the Sun and other tabloids, so each year there are numerous articles announcing some f**king burger as if it’s actual news. So as you read that Russian drone strikes have killed dozens in a residential area of Kyiv, you also learn you can try the new McDonald’s Cheesy Chicken Stack. Phew, that’s a relief.
The existence of ‘McDonald’s fans’
These, plus ‘superfans’, are sad bastards thrilled by Christmas menus and McRibs being brought back temporarily somewhere. Being a fan of cheap, mass-produced, corporate meat products is pretty much the nadir of hobbies and interests, so much so it makes having sex with sheep look like an enviable lifestyle. Hey, you’re out in the fresh air, and at least you’ve got a ‘girlfriend’!
The perversion of good food
Christmas food is lovely, with pigs in blankets, crispy roast potatoes, trifle and so on. But wait until the ‘food technologists’ have turned it into a cheaper, easy-to-reheat version. Such as Greggs’ ‘Christmas Lunch Soup’ which has all the appeal of liquidising a sirloin steak and eating it via a nasal tube.
It smacks of marketing desperation
You almost feel sorry for the marketeers forced to boost sales in December of a product irrelevant to Christmas; you can flog more PlayStations, but it’s not like kids are hoping for a McFlurry in their stocking. This year McDonald’s theme is The Grinch, popularised by a film from 25 years ago which is more likely to make you remember Jim Carrey’s career imploding after giving his girlfriend herpes. Festive!
Who the f**k would go to KFC as a Christmas activity?
German markets may be more hellish than the siege of Stalingrad, but at least they’re definitely part of Christmas, or at least winter. It’s unclear who would think: ‘Ah, Christmas, a time for gifts, happy childhood memories and spending time with loved ones. I know, let’s go to KFC and eat lukewarm greasy chicken at a recently-disinfected table surrounded by teenage twats.’
It’s the same f**king food
The fast food business model only allows for a limited number of products, so any Christmas menu will only contain very minor variations on a theme. This year KFC has at least added a wedge of stuffing to a chicken burger, but McDonald’s has been reduced to fries with gherkin-flavoured ‘Grinch Salt’, a festive idea as unasked-for as Elf on the Shelf anal porn.
