YESTERDAY saw the government abandon the two-child benefit cap, but does that mean you should start indulging in frantic reproduction? Find out with this guide.
PRO: Making a baby – whether it’s bankrolled by state handouts or not – usually involves sex, which feels great if you do it right. Plus you won’t have to worry about a split condom or pulling out because pregnancy is the whole point. All that shagging sounds great, and don’t worry about the subsequent task of raising a child, because that is a piece of piss.
CON: Banging at every opportunity could numb the thrill of sex even more than the countless hours you spend watching internet porn. If you want to feel any excitement you’ll have to constantly invent new sexual roleplay scenarios, and your partner may feel uncomfortable when you’re scraping the barrel with ones like ‘hot dinner lady’, hang gliding lessons and Bagpuss.
PRO: You’ll be lifting children out of poverty, statistically. By spawning a massive swarm of brats sucking away your personal wealth, you’ll be making everyone else better off, comparatively. Don’t worry that the knock-on effect of everyone doing this could impoverish Britain due to 80 per cent of the population being at primary school. Start f**king each other senseless right now for the sake of the economy.
CON: It’s the start of an 18-year commitment, minimum. And even when your kids have moved out you’ll still have to buy them birthday presents and sit through their dreary weddings. If you’re only having kids for the Universal Credit, do a moonlight flit every time one reaches 18 and stops bringing money in. Don’t feel bad – they’ll work out how to cook food and use the washing machine eventually.
PRO: Children often feel obligated to look after their parents as they get older. By procreating with abandon today and burdening your kids with guilt, you’re also gifting yourself a team of carers in a few decades’ time. What’s more, their blood and organs are likely to be a suitable match should you ever require a transplant. It’s a win-win.
CON: The benefit cap might be brought back. Reform are surely training their sights on benefits claimants ahead of the next election, and your human horde could be used on a billboard scaremongering about ‘Benefits Britain’. Maybe wait and see how the details of the new budget shake out before going crazy with the cream pies.
CONCLUSION: Only conceive a vast litter of children if you can already afford them, unless you think you might enjoy the Christmassy Dickensian vibe of leaving them in wicker baskets on people’s doorsteps.
