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Mash True Crime: 'Is doing episodes about my death row boyfriend a conflict of interest?'

Podcaster Jade Grimes doggedly investigates the latest crimes despite her complete lack of qualifications to do so and police pleas to stop

JADE here, back after a break visiting my long-distance partner in the US. I understand that a lot of you are curious about our relationship. ‘How did you meet?’, ‘What prison is he in?’, ‘How long until he’s executed?’ you ask. 

It’s that natural curiosity that makes you such incredible sleuths. Without your persistent work, we never would have discovered that Episode 67’s victim Oliver O’Connor may in fact have been cheating on his girlfriend, and thus probably deserved to be abducted and killed by Somali pirates.

So, let’s get into it. My relationship.

I confess that I met Joe in a completely non-traditional way. The apps just weren’t working for me, and my girl gang can be adorably cagey about introducing me to their single male friends. I’d already resigned myself to a life dedicated to solving crimes through the podcast format – and funnily enough, that’s where Joe comes in.

You might remember Joe from way back in Episode 34, when I knew him only as ‘Joseph Turner, convicted spree killer’. It’s crazy to me now, because he’s not ‘Joseph Turner, convicted spree killer’, he’s ‘Joseph Turner, loving boyfriend’. Nevertheless, I understand why a lot of you will still see him through a certain lens.

It was during my research for that episode that I initially reached out to Joe, hoping to get an interview. It took almost a week for him to write back, and by that time I’d already published the podcast and spoken about him in a pretty condemnatory way. It was when I finally got his response that something shifted.

He explained, in his spiky, beautifully idiosyncratic handwriting: ‘I didn’t kill nobody, and if I did, it was only because they had it coming. Everyone is always blaming me for shit. If I hadn’t been high, I probably wouldn’t have done it, so it was the drugs. You sound hot in your letter, by the way.’

It all clicked into place for me! This wasn’t a simple open and shut case as I’d first imagined. The wool had been pulled over my eyes all these years. This kind, gentle soul was sitting on death row for a crime he simply could not have committed.

Impulsively, I booked a flight to Alabama and I’ve been out there three times since. Each time, Joe and I have only been able to touch each other through glass, with guards watching us like hawks. It makes it hard to focus on just being together, and it’s why our sweet nothings are often interspersed with Joe asking, ‘When am I getting out? You said your podcast could get me out.’

Justice is important to me. While Joe languishes on death row, the real killer of those pawn shop owners is probably out there living the high life. You might say that I only feel this way because Joe is my lover, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Joe getting out, us buying a trailer together and adopting a Doberman called AK-47 (his idea!) is always second in my mind to the actual murderer being put behind bars.

If you too believe in Joe’s innocence, make a TikTok video with the hashtag #DontLetJoeFry.

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A school fête Portaloo and other sex locations that drive women wild, with the Mash sex columnist

THE female libido is mysterious, wilful, and relishes adventurous sex that leaves the dusty bedroom behind for wild lust in exotic locations. Take her to any of these and you’re in: 

A school fête Portaloo

Festival portaloos have seen it all – sex, rock’n’roll, losing a wrap down the toilet and crying. But at the school summer fair? No such sordid history is attached, making it fresh and thriiling. You’re the only couple ever to bang to the gentle thump of Splat the Rat and the rippling of the Hook-A-Duck stall, and that makes women wet.

A supermarket trolley shelter

These translucent, transcendent structures keep trolleys safe from the wind and rain, offering protection. Making it all the more stimulating that you’re riding her bareback within one and without even popping a pound in the slot first. The risk of being seen through the plexiglass, the rain and the windscreen of a Honda Civic takes her to new heights.

The bedroom of a show home

You know exactly the type – clean in an uncanny way, stock images on the wall, vase of lifeless flowers. Tell the estate agent you can’t commit to a four-bed new build until you’ve stripped off everything but your blue shoe covers and got down to it. They knew when they called it ‘King’s Moat Garden Village’ what effect it would have on women.

A building site

Building sites are strictly no trespassing, especially if you don’t have the relevant protective gear. And there’s nothing more attractive than forbidden fruit. Don your hi-viz, hard hats and steel-toed boots to make love in the shadow of heavy machinery or up scaffolding. The cement dust will make every lady’s nethers throb with desire.

Her parents’ bedroom

Every woman secretly dreams of making love in her parents’ bed. So, when they’re away and you’re catsitting, sneak upstairs, strip off, and drape their John Lewis throw over your most intimate parts. Call down in a sexy bellow that Fluffy can wait. Spunk all over their counterpane and then put it in on too high a wash to really be naughty.

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