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Net migration never mattered to serious voters. That's just a left-wing lie

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who saw Andy Burnham rimming the devil

‘NET migration has fallen!’ trumpets this desperate, collapsing government. As if it matters. As if that were ever an electoral concern for anyone. 

While political parties of gravity and consequence – I speak of Reform, Restore and to a lesser extent the Conservatives – debate the real issues, Labour pretends migration falling by almost half is important. Laughable. Pathetic.

I suppose, when your so-called leader has been bisected by his own party, propping the top half up to babble about any random statistic is so crazy it might work. We’ve had it with growth and falling inflation already, why not migration?

Why not? Because voters, especially the good white working-class ones, couldn’t care less about it. They’re not race-obsessed liberals. They live and let live, unless you’re a scum benefits claimant handed a free house and car for putting A, D, H and D in the right order.

Net migration? As if politicians of principle like Nigel Farage or Tommy Robinson would trouble themselves with it. Yet Labour trumpets it like an achievement, hoping we’ll change our minds and let Starmer live.

Out here on the real streets – the streets of Kensington and Chelsea, the Cotswolds and the deprived bits of Lincolnshire – we’re motivated by what matters. British culture. National pride. Flag proliferation. Migration? Isn’t that a bird thing?

Well done Labour, I guess. Be sure to tell us what your next big achievement is. Probably something trivial like ‘reducing the deficit by half’ or ‘attracting record levels of investment’. It didn’t impress us under Blair and it doesn’t now.

Bang on about ‘net migration’ if you want. We’re not bothered. Unless it goes up of course, tell us then, we’ll make it the front page next to a picture of black men in a dinghy.

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Microblading, because a girl can never have enough eyebrow, by our TikTok beauty influencer

With Kat Goombs, your Gen X Tiktok beauty influencer booking flights to Slovakia for her Báthory treatment

THERE is no such thing, post-Delevigne, as ‘too much eyebrow’. Ideally they should take up around 85 per cent of a woman’s face. 

Like many of us peri-meni babes, I spent the whole of the nineties in a plucking frenzy. I blame Delores Cranberry, who of course it eventually killed.

And while I no longer act like Employee of the Month at a Bernard Matthews factory, my brows are tragically no longer as luxuriant as his. Indeed, sometimes they resemble the barren, lifeless patches his turkeys went free range on.

Microblading is the answer. But eyebrows are the caterpillars of the soul so when you’re having them permanently etched onto your face, you’ve got to find someone you trust. I recommend arch-angel Gabrielle at medical aesthetics lounge, Re‑Form UK.

Getting inked is addictive and like my girl Angelina Jolie, no sooner had the scabs sloughed off than I was back for another round in the stirrups. Also, there seems to be an issue with lunar cycles and waking up tired, covered in blood and feathers.

But Gaby knows what I need, and for a mere £26,000 in four convenient instalments she’d microbladed my whole body from the tip of my full-bodied forehead furrows to the base of my bombshell booty brows!

I howled in joy, ran out of there on all fours and, hirsute as a Kardashian, ran home to kill again. Side effects have been minimal: a touch of anaphylaxis around silver necklaces and the occasional morning where I’ve regurgitated a hand.

But I’ve never felt happier, hairier or hungrier for raw tripe. I feel decades younger and can catch the scent of prey from six miles away. I’m like a new woman.

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