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The Archbishop of Canterbury on… World Cup 2026: good luck getting that trophy back

WAKING with a hangover so excruciating my eyeballs are hanging from their sockets, I drink a tank of water, spitting out the goldfish, and check the progress of my recently released single.

The novelty record is entitled There’s No Cunt Quite Like A Public School Cunt and was recorded with flautist James Galway, whose mellifluous tones befit the lyrical content, a run-down of the inadequacies of a range of prominent, privately-educated figures, from Boris Johnson and David Cameron to Jeremy Clarkson and Nigel Farage. 

Despite being banned by the BBC and all commercial TV and radio stations, the single has been a tremendous success and remained at number one in the charts for six weeks. Streamed hundreds of thousands of times, I imagine that it has raised a pretty penny. However, on examining my statement from Spotify, I see that it has earned just 87 pence. 

I immediately book a studio to record my follow-up single, There’s No Fucker Quite Like That Fucker Who Owns Spotify.

That done, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein I read that Andy Burnham has signalled he will not press for the UK to reenter the EU. He also gave his support to Shabana Mahmood’s immigration policies, described by critics as ‘Trumpian’.

Fuck my dead grandmother, I knew you’d fucking flip-flop, you always do, but not this fast! Jesus, why don’t you announce that as PM you’d appoint Peter Mandelson as fucking US ambassador? What’s the fucking plan for the by-election, to out-Reform fucking Reform again? Because that great idea’s seen Labour soar to fucking 17 per cent in the opinion polls! King of the North my speckled fucking arse! Every day, you’re mutating into Keir Starmer – the same rabbit in the headlight yet piggy eyes, the same fucking John Shuttleworth specs, the same fatuous fucking jowly expression! Meet the new twat, same as the old twat!

The FA Cup final took place last Saturday between Chelsea and Manchester City, with the latter coming out winners in a 1-0 victory which will live long in football fans’ memories.

I’m fucking joking of course! Everyone’s two least favourite fucking teams, two bunches of hateful fucks slugging it out in a mediocrefest of fucking dull efficiency! It might as well have been the Tories XI vs Reform UK XI! Seriously, never mind VAR, the FA have seriously got to look at changing the rules so that in exceptionally dire circumstances there’s a way both teams can actually lose the same fucking game! That’s what should have happened here! 22 losers’ medals dished out and the trophy stays in the fucking cupboard for another year because neither of you fucking financial cheats deserved it!

In what Labour ministers are welcoming as excellent news, immigration has fallen to its lowest levels since 2021, the Covid era. Many of the public are convinced, however, that it is going up.

Yeah, fucking ignorant cunts who are preyed on by the fucking tabloids, Farage and GB News, who’ve never met a fucking immigrant in their lives and think that under Sadiq Khan you can get your hands lopped off for eating a fucking bacon sandwich! This isn’t good news, you clapped-out fucking Labour racists, it’s shit news! Who’s gonna wipe your fucking arses when you’re senile? Not Tommy Robinson’s merry men, that’s for fucking sure! This country desperately needs immigration, and while we’re at it, stupid old bastards need to immigrate into the fucking ground as soon as fucking possible!

Finally, there are fears the 2026 World Cup in the United States could be a ‘washout’, with empty rooms and FIFA cancellations leaving hoteliers high and dry. 

Well, let’s fucking hope so, eh? Let’s hope this fucking country, led by a shitbag of a president they elected twice, hosts a two-men-and-a-dog disaster and never gets to do so again, and that applies to the fucking Olympics too! I mean, what kind of oblivious nutjob would want to go to America right now anyway? It’s like going fucking skiing in Germany in 1938! They should relocate the whole thing to Canada, but there’s no chance of that while FIFA’s Infantino has his head wedged up Trump’s already overcrowded arsehole! He’s already wangled a copy of the FIFA Club cup and stolen a Nobel Prize, so good fucking luck getting the trophy back!

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Net migration never mattered to serious voters. That's just a left-wing lie

By Abigail Pennson, our reasonable, plain-speaking middle-class columnist who saw Andy Burnham rimming the devil

‘NET migration has fallen!’ trumpets this desperate, collapsing government. As if it matters. As if that were ever an electoral concern for anyone. 

While political parties of gravity and consequence – I speak of Reform, Restore and to a lesser extent the Conservatives – debate the real issues, Labour pretends migration falling by almost half is important. Laughable. Pathetic.

I suppose, when your so-called leader has been bisected by his own party, propping the top half up to babble about any random statistic is so crazy it might work. We’ve had it with growth and falling inflation already, why not migration?

Why not? Because voters, especially the good white working-class ones, couldn’t care less about it. They’re not race-obsessed liberals. They live and let live, unless you’re a scum benefits claimant handed a free house and car for putting A, D, H and D in the right order.

Net migration? As if politicians of principle like Nigel Farage or Tommy Robinson would trouble themselves with it. Yet Labour trumpets it like an achievement, hoping we’ll change our minds and let Starmer live.

Out here on the real streets – the streets of Kensington and Chelsea, the Cotswolds and the deprived bits of Lincolnshire – we’re motivated by what matters. British culture. National pride. Flag proliferation. Migration? Isn’t that a bird thing?

Well done Labour, I guess. Be sure to tell us what your next big achievement is. Probably something trivial like ‘reducing the deficit by half’ or ‘attracting record levels of investment’. It didn’t impress us under Blair and it doesn’t now.

Bang on about ‘net migration’ if you want. We’re not bothered. Unless it goes up of course, tell us then, we’ll make it the front page next to a picture of black men in a dinghy.

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