Six kitchen staples you won't eat even if this lasts 100 f**king years

EVEN during lockdown there are things lurking in your kitchen you’ll never touch. Here are the ‘store cupboard favourites’ that will remain uneaten forever.


The jar of capers in your fridge recently celebrated its sixth birthday. If they were human, they’d be settling into Year 2 of primary school. Are they a vegetable, a flower, or possibly animal droppings? They’re definitely versatile – they add a horrible flavour as a pizza topping and completely ruin any salad.

Anything you froze a year ago

Your freezer compartment is a mausoleum for lost meals, a culinary netherworld from which nothing ever returns. You’re just never going to bother defrosting that ancient mince to make a below-par shepherd’s pie.

Dried chickpeas

After using all your tinned chickpeas in a disappointing stew, you’ve still got their dried counterparts at the back of your cupboard. They have the instructions ‘soak overnight’, but even if you’re going stir-crazy, no one has ever been bored enough to soak ingredients overnight. Looks like it’s Dominos again. 

The dried pasta you bought at Rome Airport

You paid 22 Euros for a packet of fancy linguine because you hadn’t realised it was that much until you got to the cashier. Not even a global pandemic will make you crack it open – you’d rather eat £50 notes.

Your sister-in-law’s ‘famous’ chili jam

You’ve been getting jars of this for your birthday since 2006. It wasn’t a proper gift then and it isn’t now. It sits in the fridge out of misguided politeness before getting chucked, completely unused, in the bin. Right now you’re weighing up if it’ll taste good spread onto your last three Birdseye potato waffles. It won’t. It’ll still be shit.


Look, stop pretending you’re going to use this lockdown to make bread. You’re not. Honestly, this is getting embarrassing. Stop deluding yourself and have another bag of crisps.

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Woman injures herself clapping for NHS

A WOMAN has been forced to visit A&E after her clapping in support of the NHS led to a fractured wrist.

Donna Sheridan bravely pushed through the pain barrier to show her admiration for the nation’s healthcare professionals before calling 111 and being sent to hospital.

Sheridan said: “I’m no hero, although in a way I was injured in the line of duty.

“I just wanted to make sure I showed my solidarity with NHS workers. More importantly, I wanted everyone who lives nearby to know I’d shown that solidarity and to make them feel pathetic for their feeble efforts.

“However I have to say I wasn’t impressed to be kept waiting so long in A&E. These doctors and nurses need to pull their fingers out.”

Neighbour Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve started banging pots and pans together instead, that’s much safer.

“Sadly I did break all my kitchenware though, so I’ll be out shopping with lots of other people tomorrow.”