Six processed foods worth shaving years off your life for

STUDIES warn that ultra-processed foods will take years off your life expectancy, to which Britons have responded by opening a packet of Hob-Nobs: 


For years you believed bacon came simply flayed directly from the pig, but apparently they do stuff like soaking it in salt and delicious, moreish nitrates. While a bacon sandwich may strip three months from you down the line, it gives you a hungover morning back. Who needs an extra three months doddering anyway?

White bread

Wheat, it seems, does not come in boring brown and tasty, sugary white varieties. But are you ready to start eating granary and end up as sanctimonious and delusional as Gwyneth Paltrow? No, life’s too short. Yours especially.


Crisps are not found in nature, especially not in sweet chilli flavour. Nobody munching down a bag has any illusions. You could trade it for carrot sticks and hummus but hummus is pretty processed, so may as well stick with the old friend you’ve known will be the death of you for years than mess about.

Every ready meal

What’s the alternative? Cook for yourself? Be Nigel Slater and always have a bowl of asparagus hearts in olive oil you can prepare for a simple ten-minute supper? Bollocks to that. As long as you only have a microwave tikka masala after a 10k run, which you don’t, you’ll be fine.

Breakfast cereal

Nobody imagined Honey Nut Loops were harvested from the wild as is, but what’s the alternative? Bacon’s been ruled out, white bread’s been ruled out, crisps have been ruled out, so what are we meant to eat first thing? Fruit? Have you seen how much f**king about is involved in preparing a single melon?

Instant noodles

This idea that processed food is unhealthy must be bollocks because this is all you ate as a student and you were in the best shape of your life. Explain that, scientists. And you drank a bottle of Merrydown a night.

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Woman's day one long guilty pleasure

A WOMAN believes her daily struggle means she is allowed occasional naughty indulgences approximately from dawn until dusk. 

Donna Sheridan begins her day with a cinammon swirl, arrives at work with a Lucozade followed with a brunch smoothie, treats herself at lunch and deserves a reward every single evening of her life.

She said: “Whether it’s a new top at lunchtime, a salted caramel frappachino mid-afternoon or Maom Pinballs for the train home, I know I shouldn’t but where’s the harm?

“This morning I felt frazzled after killing a cheeky bottle of Pinot last night, so I gave myself a break and caught up on Love Island: Unseen Bits. After all I worked pretty hard on Friday, in the morning, I think.

“Then I couldn’t face my packed lunch so I went for burritos, and a fancy cake, and after work I called in at Sainsbury’s Local and got some treats because I can already tell it’s going to be one of those weeks.

“Couldn’t be arsed cooking after all that so I got a takeaway, popped Duran Duran on, watched an old Reese Witherspoon romcom and hopped in the tub with an £8 Lush bath bomb and candles. And chocolates. And gin.”

She added: “Honestly, I’m so busy I can’t find time to wank.”