Mother refers to son's boyfriend of 15 years as his 'friend'

A WOMAN in her 60s still refers to her son’s partner of a decade and a half as his ‘friend’, it has emerged.

Despite the fact that they are married and own a home together, the husband of James Bates is still euphemistically referred to by his mother as if he is just another one of James’ mates.

Bates said: “She obviously knows that Oliver and I are in a relationship. She was at our wedding, for Christ’s sake. She wore a big hat and cried.

“However, she still seems to be allergic to referring to him as my husband or partner. Though sometimes she’ll say ‘special friend’ with a weird look in her eye, as if she’s trying to make it obvious that she knows we have sex.

“She reckons she can’t be a homophobe because she reads the Guardian and has a CD of Queen’s Greatest Hits in the car, but, my word, that woman is as old school as they come.”

Margaret Bates said: “The truth is that I know all the lingo, and I don’t care if he’s gay, queer, bi, pan or whatever. I just like messing with him.”

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Brighton seagulls higher in food chain than humans

BRIGHTON-BASED seagulls outrank human beings and regard them as prey beneath them on the food chain, it has emerged.

Seagulls from the East Sussex city have claimed their rightful position of dominance after years of swooping down and stealing chips straight out of the hands of unwary residents and naive tourists.

Ornothologist Bill McKay said: “Seagulls are a pest all over the country. But in Brighton they’re running the show like the Mafia. It’s scary.

“They’re so aggressive that people have been knocked down to second place in the pecking order. You take your life in your hands just walking along the seafront. If you’re not careful you’ll be picked up in a beak and flown out to sea, never to be heard from again.

“Maybe they’ve been angered by the perpetual skunk fog hanging over the city and the overabundance of shit DJs. Or perhaps they’ve practised their intimidation skills by bullying the lefty locals who wouldn’t dream of fighting back. Either way, they’re hard as f**k.”

Seagull Martin Bishop said: “Nice tostada from La Choza you’ve got there. Shame if something were to happen to it.”