THERE are but three true flavours of crisp: ready salted, salt & vinegar and cheese & onion. Yet capitalism has foisted these monstrosities upon us:
Sticky Teriyaki
Like Gary Lineker, the virtuous facade of Walkers Crisps conceals warped, sadistic minds who loathe the world. Yes, Teriyaki goes great on pork ribs, but dusting it in powdered form on greasy potato slices? Vile. A single taste of these justifies Kim Jong-Un keeping North Korea isolated from the hateful, decadent West.
Hot Honey
Burn-your-mouth spicy while simultaneously sickly sweet, a chalk-cheese combination to turn the stomach of the broad-minded and make God turn in revulsion from His creation. Anyone, for decades, could have dipped a crisp in honey. Nobody did.
Worcester Sauce
Every household has a bottle of Worcester sauce at the back of a cupboard, years out of date. Presumably a flavour scientist at Walkers saw one, flinched at the memory of how foul it tastes then slowly began grinning at the revenge he would now unleash. It’s made of molasses and anchovies. That’s by definition disgusting.
Chip Shop Curry
Executives emerged from a boardroom blue-sky-thinking session trying to find truly regrettable eating experiences, tastes which summon an almost Proustian shame, and chose this over 2am Kebab. Best eaten pissed next to a woman carrying her heels and a man who has recently had his nose broken but is unbothered, then best vomited over a garden wall.
Prawn Cocktail
Just because they’re an established variety doesn’t mean crisps that taste like crustaceans are a viable concept. You’re eating a snack flavoured like something that has ten legs, for f**k’s sake. Not that they actually taste like that. It’s more like the unpleasantly spiced tomato broth they’d serve on a commune.
Marmite
There is but one true place for Marmite to dwell: in a sealed, unopened jar, as far away from kitchens and food as is possible, ideally in a skip. Taking this salty, overpowering excuse for a flavour and adding it to crisps can only have been the manifestation of a deranged lunatic with a grudge against humanity.
