Teenager at university discovering freedom tastes a lot like cheese toasties

A FIRST YEAR student is discovering that the freedom he always longed for tastes like eating the same meal every f**king day.

Ryan Whittaker’s high expectations for his new life were thwarted within a month of starting university when he learned that happiness is strongly correlated with a person’s ability to cook food that is not beige.

Whittaker said: “I spent the first two weeks binge drinking and eating takeaways so I thought I’d better stop spending money and attempt to cook for myself.

“Turns out it’s harder than it looks, and I really took for granted the fact that my mum and dad were able to whip up a myriad of tasty dishes after they’d been out at work all day. I’m regretting all the times I told them their cooking was vile and stomped off to my room.

“I was desperate to have full autonomy over my life, but I’ve found out freedom is shit compared to your parents waiting on you hand and foot while you strop about ungratefully.

“Luckily someone in my halls had the presence of mind to bring a sandwich toaster, otherwise I think I’d have starved to death by now. I guess I might get scurvy from only eating white bread and cheddar until Christmas, but that doesn’t kill you. Does it?”

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92 per cent of men quietly confident they would be good blacksmiths

ALMOST all men are quietly confident that they would make very good blacksmiths, it has emerged.

A new survey has found that, regardless of their current occupation or qualifications, most men believe they could begin forging steel for a feudal landlord at a moment’s notice.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “This is a trend seen across all men, regardless of age, class, sexuality and whether they prefer Game of Thrones or Lord of the Rings. All believe they could smith a blade at the drop of a hat.

“This could be a huge untapped resource for the UK, if only we had literally any need for blacksmiths.”

Software development manager Julian Cook said: “If we did return to an agrarian society of villages built around their ancient smithies, I’d be doing pretty well for myself.

“A longsword is composed of 300 layers of steel intricately folded by a master smith, but I learned Javascript in three months so I reckon I could get to grips with it in a couple of weekends.”

Mary Fisher, a professional metalworker, said:”I underwent 12 years of training to gain accreditation from the Blacksmiths Guild, but I am honestly intimidated by the raw talent in these men. I hope they never take up a hammer and tongs, I’d be out of a job in days.”