A FIRST YEAR student is discovering that the freedom he always longed for tastes like eating the same meal every f**king day.
Ryan Whittaker’s high expectations for his new life were thwarted within a month of starting university when he learned that happiness is strongly correlated with a person’s ability to cook food that is not beige.
Whittaker said: “I spent the first two weeks binge drinking and eating takeaways so I thought I’d better stop spending money and attempt to cook for myself.
“Turns out it’s harder than it looks, and I really took for granted the fact that my mum and dad were able to whip up a myriad of tasty dishes after they’d been out at work all day. I’m regretting all the times I told them their cooking was vile and stomped off to my room.
“I was desperate to have full autonomy over my life, but I’ve found out freedom is shit compared to your parents waiting on you hand and foot while you strop about ungratefully.
“Luckily someone in my halls had the presence of mind to bring a sandwich toaster, otherwise I think I’d have starved to death by now. I guess I might get scurvy from only eating white bread and cheddar until Christmas, but that doesn’t kill you. Does it?”