Welshman enjoying traditional meal of daffodils

A WELSHMAN is tucking into a traditional St David’s Day feast of daffodils, it has emerged.

Swansea resident Joseph Turner is honouring the patron saint of Wales with the customary plate of lightly sautéed daffodils that all his countrymen heartily consume at this time of year.

He said: “In the same way Christmas wouldn’t be complete without turkey, St David’s Day just doesn’t feel right without a mouth-watering serving of daffodils ripped straight out of the garden. They’re a delicacy.

“Nobody knows for sure where the tradition came from. Some historians reckon Saint David couldn’t get enough of the things, while others argue they represent the dragon he failed to kill. When they taste this good though, who cares about the details?

“To be honest I’m surprised that eating daffodils hasn’t caught on in the rest of Britain. Why does everyone get enjoyably drunk on Saint Patrick’s Day but they won’t eat a plateful of bitter flowers that give you stomach ache? It doesn’t make sense.

“Yes, daffodils are poisonous and eating them makes you really ill, but they’re no worse than the minced sheep’s lungs Scots stuff their faces with on Burns night. That’s properly weird.”

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Matt Hancock's Oh Shit My WhatsApps Have Been Released Diaries

THE second volume of Matt Hancock’s diaries, covering when he found out his WhatsApps had been leaked, comes out today. These are the highlights:

March 1st, 2023

Wake up to find my face all over the news, presumably because the NFTs I launched have skyrocketed in value. That’s the Hancock effect! Sing Rocket Man, replacing ‘rocket’ with ‘Hancock’, in the shower.

Also March 1st, 2023

Gina, the love of my life, who I am so passionate about it doesn’t matter I was married when we met or that I gave my wife long Covid, informs me that it’s nothing to do with my NFTs and my WhatsApps have been released. ‘For sale?’ I ask, hopefully.

Still March 1st, 2023

It turns out the journalist I worked with on my diaries, a rabidly partisan right-winger and anti-lockdown fanatic, was not to be trusted. My personal messages are being published by the Daily Telegraph and everyone knows I killed their grandmother. This could get me on Dancing On Ice.

Continuing March 1st, 2023

Furious, I call Isabel Oakeshott and end up apologising to her. She was right, I shouldn’t have given her my WhatsApp password. It was irresponsible. I ask what’s going to be revealed in the next few days and she reassures me it won’t be anything that could damage Boris.

Later on March 1st, 2023

Britain seems to have decided I was solely to blame for the 43,256 deaths in care homes, ignoring the fact that many of the people I hired from my local pub were simply incompetent. Is that my fault? It would be like blaming the prime minister for appointing me.

Watching This Morning, March 1st, 2023

It looks like I’ll be carrying the can for this whole debacle alone. My openness, the level of recognition I have with the public, and my willingness to accept my fair share of blame means I’m on the hook for Covid, lockdown, and the needless deaths of millions. That’s the Hancock effect! WhatsApp Isobel about the diaries volume three.