How to be a completely f**king dimwitted armchair detective

ARE you, one person with a laptop, more likely to solve a crime than hundreds of experienced police officers? Obviously ‘yes’. Here’s how to go about it.

Watch too many true crime documentaries

The best armchair detective gorges themselves on a diet of real-life true crime stories. They reckon an obsession with perplexing Netflix documentaries and grisly podcasts is basically the same as extensive police training, if not better, because you aren’t fettered by annoying things like procedure, protocols or reality.

Spend too much time on social media

Once they’ve mainlined enough sensationalist murder shows, the armchair detective needs someone to discuss their incredibly clever theories with. Luckily social media is awash with similar twats only too keen to join in. If only the police stopped wasting their time with things like forensic analysis and went on Twitter. The crime rate would plummet.

Enjoy analysing weird details that mean nothing

Armchair detectives are experts in a variety of specialisms, such as body language and psychology. Their intensive training consists of watching hours of rolling news coverage. ‘The jogger who found the body blinked far too much when making that statement,’ they’ll declare, as if they’re watching Columbo, not a real person who has experienced a traumatic event and could react in any number of ways.

Be stupidly confident in your opinions

Being sure someone is guilty beyond reasonable doubt is a vital pillar of the British justice system, but one that doesn’t matter to the armchair detective. They will decide who did it then turn up at the crime scene and livestream themselves ‘revealing’ the perpetrator. When they’re arrested for wasting police time, it’s obviously a cover-up that goes ‘right to the top’.

Never apologise when you are inevitably wrong

Even though the armchair detective is convinced they’ve solved a crime because they’ve watched Making A Murderer three times, they will inevitably always be wrong. But that won’t lead them to consider whether they should get a new hobby. They’ll ignore their failures and move on to the next crime. This is all they have in common with the real police.

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The BBC's super-patronising guide to 17 per cent inflation

THE government is doing its best with inflation, it really is. The onus is on you little people to use less margarine or whatever. Here is our official BBC patronising inflation advice.

Set up a baked potato club

The BBC approvingly reported on a scheme where neighbours take turns to bake a batch of potatoes, which saves money and is good for the environment. Never mind the inconvenience of coordinating your potato consumption with other people or the f**king indignity of getting a neighbour to cook a 15p potato for you. 

Keep reminding yourself it’s not the government’s fault

Inflation is like earthquakes or rain, a natural phenomenon. So the Conservative government can’t do anything, much as they’d like to. There’s no way they could legislate to put much lower price caps on energy or nationalise anything, even partially. It would really hurt the feelings of poor little companies like Centrica and BP.

Find increasingly obscure ways of keeping warm 

A BBC blogger recommends buying flannel sheets instead of cotton. Bet you hadn’t thought of that! No, because you’ve got better things to think about. Maybe you can save on energy by replacing your 60W bulbs with 40W? Wow, this a paradigm shift up there with the heliocentric solar system!

Cook an unappealing £1 BBC recipe

The BBC has ‘developed’ meals costing less than £1 a serving. It’s not clear when it became the Beeb’s job to help the public live in poverty, but hey ho. Delights such as ‘spinach and chickpeas with bread’ await, where the tastiest element will undoubtedly be the vegetable stock cube. Many meals are vegetarian, calling to mind the medieval diet when peasants ate bland vegetable potage and the rich stuffed their faces with meat.

Enjoy our leaders’ comments reported at face value

Among many similar reports, the BBC informs us that: ‘Rishi Sunak has said he will “get a grip of inflation” before cutting tax.’ That was in July 2022, by the way. Tax cuts will take place this April. Still, reading unchallenged verbatim quotes posing as journalism is much cheaper than a Netflix subscription, right?

Avail yourself of our debt advice

The BBC offers chapter and verse on being unable to pay bills, such as agreeing small repayments so that ‘your arrears will grow more slowly’. Cool. There’s also a handy link to Citizens Advice and the usual. Of course you could argue that people shouldn’t be in debt over basic necessities like gas, but who cares about wider issues? Far more important is Westminster bubble reporting, eg. ‘Will Rishi win the heart and mind of Worcester Woman?’

Enter the realm of really mad ideas 

How about a ‘direct cremation’ for a loved one? This means no funeral service whatsoever, guaranteeing the ire of numerous relatives. Incinerating your dad cheaply isn’t much of a solution to inflation, but since you’re already considering mental ideas, why not make your dead hamster into a cosy ear-warmer for your daughter? Or fashion a cardboard suit from Amazon boxes? Hey, we should send these to the BBC – they’re great inflation-busting tips.