Straight man convinced he would be a catch if he were gay

A STRAIGHT man is confident that, if he were to have been gay, he would absolutely clean up.

38-year-old Martin Bishop, a married father of two, has never been attracted to men. He is, however, adamant that if he had been homosexual he would have pulled all of the hotties.

Bishop said: “Before I settled down, I did okay with the ladies. Not brilliantly. But women are picky and choose the wrong guys. Gay men would have been well into me.

“It’s not bragging to say I’d definitely have been able to score Graham Norton and Rylan for one-night things, and I reckon full relationships with Andrew Scott and Ncuti Gatwa. Open, obviously, because that’s how gays do things.

“Andy, my gay mate, tends to go quiet when I bring it up. He doesn’t really do that well, so I imagine it’s envy. And he fancies me. Finding out I was off the market was tough for him and his community.

“Why don’t I get approached by men when I’m out? I imagine they’re intimidated by my raw masculinity. It would be a different story if I got Grindr, just to see, but I won’t.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Panic as friend given phone to see photo starts swiping

A WOMAN who handed her phone to a friend to show her a photo has been gripped with sudden terror as the friend casually began to swipe. 

Nikki Hollis only intended to show off a picture of a cake she made for her sister’s birthday, only to watch pal Sophie Rodriguez take it as an open invitation to flick through her entire life.

Hollis said: “So far it’s just been the pic of me in the fleecy gorilla onesie I wear around the house, but she can’t be more than seven swipes away from the catalogue of well-lit boob pics I took for when the occasion arises on Tinder.

“She’s acting like it’s perfectly normal to expose the secrets that are strictly between a woman and her phone, throwing me off guard with lines like ‘Where did you take this one?’ and ‘You look cute in that outfit,’ but we both know this is a violation.

“What’s more likely to end the friendship? Punching her and grabbing my phone out of her snooping hands, or the HD close-up of that suspicious mole on my arse? But I’m paralysed by fear.”

Rodriguez said: “The tit shots are no big deal, we’ve all been there, but the screenshot of pottery classes in her local area really made me re-evaluate her as a human being.

“And she definitely ought to get that mole checked out.”