MASTERCHEF producers looking for a new presenter who will not inject inappropriate sexuality into the show have decided Nigella Lawson would be perfect.
After the sacking of Gregg Wallace, producers need an experienced chef and TV presenter with a track record of never bringing lustful, salacious sensuality into the kitchen and believe there is no better candidate.
Producer Jim Bates said: “Gregg was unable to hold back his sexual side when presenting the show, and that got us into terrible trouble. The next presenter must be immune to that.
“We need a no-nonsense personality who doesn’t see anything erotic about biting a cherry, sinking a knife into a warm, moist pie to reveal its delectable interior or licking creme fraiche off her hand. Nigella is the name that leaps to mind.
“There’s no way she’d be flirtatious with contestants, or indeed that she’d leer lasciviously at a panchetta-wrapped seared sea bass, saying ‘I’m consumed with the irresistible urge to get that inside me’ while running her tongue around her luscious lips.
“No, she’s the only choice to drag MasterChef out of the gutter and back to being purely about cooking with no overtones. I’m meeting her to discuss it over late night wine and nibbles. Her place. Her suggestion.”
Nigella said: “I’m gagging to slide smoothly into this role, filling it fuller than it’s ever been and gripping it tightly and lovingly. Mmm.”
