SALT here, king of the condiments, the wonderful white stuff that makes everything better. You know who I resent? My workshy colleague, pepper.
Me and him have been synonymous for years like Ant and Dec, gin and tonic or R2-D2 and C-3PO. But look at the facts. I’ve been carrying him our entire f**king career.
I’m not being boastful when I say I’m a big deal in food. Most seasonings add a little flavour. I enhance everything. I make meat meatier. I make bland soups edible. Chips would be shit if it wasn’t for me.
And it doesn’t end in the kitchen. I’ve been used as currency. I preserve dead bodies. I keep ice off roads. And don’t even get me started on how much I do for the oceans.
Meanwhile, what’s pepper doing except making stuff more peppery? What would you rather add ? The seasoning that unlocks and intensifies the incredible flavours at the core of any food it touches, or the weird black shit that burns and makes you sneeze?
And yet, despite his astoundingly limited offering, I’m sharing top billing with the prick every time. Wherever you go you’ll find that jammy bastard by my side.
All I’m saying is, let’s give something else a chance. Let cumin pick up a shift or two. Let turmeric sit in for a weekend. Give any spice that doesn’t insist on being cracked a turn.
F**k pepper. He’s had his chance and nobody likes him. Stick him in the back of the condiment cupboard where the moody bastard belongs.