Why Pepper is stealing a f**king living, by Salt

SALT here, king of the condiments, the wonderful white stuff that makes everything better. You know who I resent? My workshy colleague, pepper. 

Me and him have been synonymous for years like Ant and Dec, gin and tonic or R2-D2 and C-3PO. But look at the facts. I’ve been carrying him our entire f**king career.

I’m not being boastful when I say I’m a big deal in food. Most seasonings add a little flavour. I enhance everything. I make meat meatier. I make bland soups edible. Chips would be shit if it wasn’t for me.

And it doesn’t end in the kitchen. I’ve been used as currency. I preserve dead bodies. I keep ice off roads. And don’t even get me started on how much I do for the oceans.

Meanwhile, what’s pepper doing except making stuff more peppery? What would you rather add ? The seasoning that unlocks and intensifies the incredible flavours at the core of any food it touches, or the weird black shit that burns and makes you sneeze?

And yet, despite his astoundingly limited offering, I’m sharing top billing with the prick every time. Wherever you go you’ll find that jammy bastard by my side.

All I’m saying is, let’s give something else a chance. Let cumin pick up a shift or two. Let turmeric sit in for a weekend. Give any spice that doesn’t insist on being cracked a turn.

F**k pepper. He’s had his chance and nobody likes him. Stick him in the back of the condiment cupboard where the moody bastard belongs.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The top six cables the middle-aged man in your life still owns 'just in case'

NOT using that cable anymore? Don’t throw it away, because middle-aged men never know when it could be vital: 

Charger for a Nokia 3310

The baby born when this phone was discontinued is now old enough to drive, but any second now all smartphones might fail and the mighty Nokia brick will become the only method of communication. And what an idiot you’d feel if you didn’t have a charger.

Earphones that don’t quite work

You can never have too many of these. Especially when the sound only comes through if you twist it at a certain angle. And even then, you don’t get any bass in your right ear. You’d have to be mad to throw them out.

Satnav charger that connects to the cigarette lighter

You no longer own a satnav. You no longer own a car with a cigarette lighter. In fact, you no longer own a car. None of these are valid excuses.

25-pin parallel printer cable

Every printer used to take these, and what if you needed to print your Ryanair tickets and the wifi was down and the only printer available was 19 years old and proudly advertised it could also send faxes? It’d be a godsend.

Laptop charger

It’s always handy to have a spare one of these around. Never mind that this only works with a European socket and is of dubious wattage, if you ever have a hankering to edit spreadsheets in the middle of Paris you know who to turn to.


The key to any cable stash is that every single one is impossibly tanged in a bulk of mystery cables. They have no discernible purpose, but that isn’t the point. They could still come in useful, once they’re unthreaded from all the others and an exhaustive investigation reveals what they actually do.