Six people who clearly think they're better than you

FEELING belittled? Put down? Then you’ve just finished an interaction with one of these types who believe themselves very much your superior: 

Your boss

Who does your boss think they are? Ordering you around like they hold a contract over your soul. Being paid shitloads more than you and being much more experienced and qualified has gone to their head. Show them who’s the real boss by doing a really half-arsed job. Who’s superior now?

A cashier

Just listen to their demeaning questions: ‘Do you need a bag?’ ‘Are you paying contactless?’ ‘Is that everything?’ They’re clearly drunk on power. The way they face up the shelves reeks of self-appointed arrogance. Your custom pays their wages, so they should show you respect as you make your daily purchase of two bottles of Co-op Irresistible Prosecco and a sharing bag of Chilli Heatwave Doritos.

A pedestrian

The person walking in front can’t see you, but their swaggering gait and swaying arms says that they think they’re the dog’s bollocks. Voice your disapproval by loudly overtaking them with a stomping march while rolling your eyes and audibly sighing. That’s what humility and regard for your fellow man looks like.

The postman

They only lower themselves to knock on the door when you need to sign for something; the rest of the time you’re not good enough. They’re corrupted by wearing a uniform and having their own special little van. The sooner they’re replaced by drones, the better.

A toddler

They’re treated like they’re sweet and innocent, but toddlers act like feudal lords and we’re the rag-wearing peasantry scrabbling around in the mud. Sure, toddlers are only just developing an understanding that the world includes others, but that’s no reason to behave like they’re the centre of the universe.

A photo of you from five years ago

Urgh, just look at this prick, beaming away in a holiday photo in Sicily. Not all of us can afford jaunts abroad in the current climate, mate, read the room. Plus they’re younger and skinnier and happier than you. Truly a loathsome twat with their head up your arse.

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A popping turbocharger, and the other noises that herald the approach of a knobhead

HARK! Is that the sound of a knobhead in a modded-up Golf? How courteous to noisily warn us of his impending presence. Listen for these sounds: 

Popping turbo charger

Unlike the joyful mini-explosion of a party popper, the sound of a turbocharger on a pimped-up Subaru does not herald good times. With the smoked-glass window acting as an exhaust for weed fumes there’s no mistaking the arrival of a class A knobhead. Heed the warning and avoid.

Thumping tunes

A bass riff vibrating through tarmac like a minor earthquake could go either way: boy racer in a Citroen Saxo, or middle-aged marketing knobhead in a gleaming Volvo SUV with full service history, a boot full of multi-use compost and the full works of Snoop Dogg downloaded onto his iPhone 13 Pro Max? Either way’s a twat.

Panting pit bull

Short, stocky, drooling at the mouth and ready for a fight, then you look down and see they’re holding the lead of a pit bull. This boy and his dog take no prisoners on the streets, and the panting is sufficient warning to get out of the way of this pavement-dominating tool.

The bellowing of an arsehole name

Could be a middle-class mum shouting Isambard, could be an underclass mum calling Mason. Whichever, it means there’s a child with no limits on their vile behaviour coming your way and whether the follow-up shout is ‘Get out of that direct sunlight’ or ‘Give me back my WKD you little shit’, you should leave before the child happens to you.

Twat ringtone

The klaxon of a Mr Boombastic or some f**king meme ringtone is a sure sign of an approaching knobhead. Such is this monster’s need for attention that, like Medusa, he will petrify you into listening to the excruciating show-off bullshit of his business call before you can launch his phone into a well.