Woman refuses to acknowledge 'packet' as suitable unit of crisps

A RADICAL non-conformist has asserted that she, and not the arbitrary weight proscribed by a packet, decides when she has had enough crisps. 

Donna Sheridan, aged 23, wants to know who decided something as life-enhancing as salt and malt vinegar McCoys should be restricted to a single 25g serving in a 194mm by 133mm bag, and why society has meekly submitted to this injustice.

She said: “One packet isn’t enough. Two isn’t plenty. I need more of that satisfying crunch followed by monosodium glutamate deliciousness all over my tongue.

“Who decided a tiny packet is the right vessel for our beloved starchy snacks and why is it only half-full? Chicken can come in a bucket, so why not crisps? Who set these laws? How can they be changed?

“I could buy a family bag but I have no family. It’s fine to put them in a bowl for guests, but fill a bowl to get you through an afternoon’s work and you’ll be the subject of the office group chat.

“Sometimes you open a packet and there’s only about five in there. If I tried to sell you nine crisps, you’d tell me to go f**k myself, and you’d be right to. Yet we’re staggering through our one and only lives kept hungry for our birthright of crisps.”

Colleague Joanna Kramer said: “Christ, alright, have my crisps. But you’re getting me more.”

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Couple who've been together two weeks claim to have had 'ups and downs'

TWO people who have dated for less time than the average honeymoon believe their relationship is already a dramatic, tumultuous love story.

Lucy Parry and James Bates, who are both 19, first kissed on January 28th but during their brief romance have crammed in more gripping twists and turns than most marriages.

Lucy said: “Mine and James’ relationship has been so rocky yet epic that it deserves to be a book, or at least an unnecessarily long Instagram caption. One day it could even be a West End musical starring Ariana Grande.

“From the highs of our first kiss in the car park of the Odeon to lows when he ignored all my texts for an hour because he was ‘swimming’, it’s gone through peaks and lows most boring couples couldn’t comprehend.

“A week ago I thought it was all over, because he only added three kisses after a message instead of two, then four days ago we had the best day of our lives when we went around the shops in Uttoxeter.

“That’s what it’s like being us. If we’re not soaring to euphoria we’re hurtling towards disaster. It’s draining but it makes me feel so alive.”

James said: “They say the road to true love never did run smooth, and ours has been hella potholed. I can’t tell you the specifics. It’s so much more interesting if I post about it vaguely but mysteriously.”