World Tofu Council meets to figure out what the f**k tofu is

THE international body regulating the worldwide production and sale of tofu have called an urgent summit to solve the mystery of tofu. 

The Council have narrowed its possible origins down to just seven or eight potential substances, with a further thirty-five in the ‘maybe’ pile.

Chairwoman Dr Helen Archer said “Tofu is white, soft and definitely made of something. Maybe it’s some type of sea cucumber, or a pulp of vegetable ends.

“It’s completely natural unless it’s entirely synthetic and there’s an abundance of it, unless world supplies are about to be exhausted.

“Perhaps it comes from a bush, or underground springs. Or could there be such a thing as horse cheese?”

Treasurer Stephen Malley said: “As the global body for tofu, it’s time we nailed this once and for all. I think it’s eggs.”

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Couple genuinely have no idea they have become 'those' parents

A COUPLE who swore they would never be ‘those’ parents have absolutely, definitively become ‘those’ parents, acquaintances have confirmed. 

Susan and Leon Traherne, parents of eight-month-old Theo, call each other ‘Mummy’ and ‘Daddy’, use chemical-free wipes ordered from the internet, and have memorised the Ofsted report of every school within a 50-mile radius of their home.

Friend Mary Fisher said: “You have to take your shoes off at the door now. That’s how I knew.

“They’ve moved up to a bigger car, because you need a 4×4 when you’ve got an 18-pound baby, and they tut if you swear when the baby’s there. It’s a fucking baby.

“I bought their kid this plastic phone thing that makes noises when you push buttons. They said they’re bringing Theo up in a digital erasure space and put it on a high shelf.”

Susan said: “It’s amazing how Leon and I haven’t let parenthood change us. We always knew we’d be the cool mum and dad.

“Now, I must to upload the latest 311 pictures of Theo to the family WhatsApp group.”