Your guide to the latest confusing euphemisms for sex

SEXUAL euphemisms used to be straightforward thanks to completely non-confusing expressions like ‘A bit of how’s your father’.

But with new sex slang popping up every day, are you up-to-date? Read our guide.

‘Playing hide the chorizo’
Favoured by Britons who have embraced the ‘foodie revolution’ and desperately want you to know they shop at Waitrose.

‘Plugging in your laptop’
Contemporary version of grim, outdated euphemisms like ‘poking the fire’. See also: ‘Emptying your spam’ and ‘Having a good hard software update’.

‘The severely delayed train is going into the station’
Trains are a common sexual metaphor, but even in a fit of passion many people are unable to forget the increasingly shoddy service offered by many of Britain’s rail operators.

‘Enticing the humpback whale to Climax Coast’
Reflecting Britons’ increasing environmental awareness, this evocative euphemism is not only deeply erotic but also has a poignant ecological message attached.

‘Little Govey wants to come out to play’
Experts are baffled as to why Tory grandee Michael Gove might be associated with male genitalia. However this coy euphemism is guaranteed to get any potential lover ‘in the mood’.

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Good-looking bastard not hiding secret sensitive side

A HANDSOME but obnoxious man is not hiding a deep, sensitive side like in films and is just a prick, it has emerged.

Defying the laws of romantic fiction, 29-year-old Nathan Muir is not rude and unpleasant because he is ‘keeping up his guard’ but because he is just full of himself.

Ex-girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “When I first met Nathan he bumped into me and barked ‘Watch where you’re fucking going’, so I assumed he was deep and troubled underneath.

“I had visions of him opening up to me and confessing he’d lost his mum as a boy and I’m the only woman he’s been able to connect with since.

“It turns out his mum is alive and well and also doesn’t have a clue why he’s such a shit.”

Muir said: “I’m afraid the ladies are not going to discover a deeper side to me. I’ll probably shag them for a bit then abruptly break off all contact, but that’s as good as it gets.

“Even that’s doing them a massive favour. I’m afraid I really am just a twat.”