Body Mass Index replaced by just looking at people

LOOKING at people is the best way to judge whether they’re overweight, it has been claimed.

Obesity expert Dr Roy Hobbs said: “When working out if someone is obese, trying using your eyes instead of a mathematical equation.

“Basically you look at how fat they are and use that to calculate how fat they are.

“Then, if necessary, you tell them to eat less food.”

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Keeping customers on hold helps build the fear, says tax chief

IT’S good to keep customers on hold so that they’re extra nervous by the time they get through, according to HMRC officials.

Tax boss Lin Homer said: “When people call us, they’re already scared that they’re going to say the wrong thing and go to prison forever.

“Keeping them on hold for ages increases that tension, making them likely to blurt out something incriminating.

“Then they’re fucked.”