Boris Johnson's reckless gamble with all our lives 'might just pay off'

THE prime minister’s high-risk gamble with the lives of every man, woman and child in Britain might just work out, say scientists. 

To avoid paying out any more furlough cash and be less unpopular, Boris Johnson has decided to take his chances with the lives of tens of thousands of people again, but this time his luck might be in. 

Epidemiologist Dr Helen Archer said: “The famous Johnson good fortune has been absent recently, but he felt that meant a hot streak was due. And whaddya know, it could be true. 

“By choosing to not lock down, because his backbenchers won’t let him, instead placing all his chips on vaccines and a milder variant, he may win big. The chips were our lives, by the way. 

“The whole country, and especially the estimated 20,000 to 80,000 who now might not die, will be cheering and applauding this audacious punter whose instincts won through. 

“Now it just remains to be seen whether he does the sensible thing, cashes out and protects the public or, emboldened by his minor success, keeps gambling until he loses absolutely everything. 

“I know where my money’s going. And, of course, my life.”

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It might not piss with rain, and other reasons it would be better to have Christmas in June

CHRISTMAS Day would be way better if we were having a barbecue in the garden. Here are some good reasons why it should be moved:

It might not piss with rain

There’s always pissing rain in the UK, even at the height of summer. However, it’s less likely and Christmas would be vastly improved if you could spend the day lying on the lawn drinking a piña colada rather than watching shite telly and wanting to punch your siblings.

The food would be better

You’ve had one turkey dinner, you’ve had them all. A barbecue would revolutionise Christmas dinner by introducing classics like cheese burgers, ribs, steaks and halloumi. You could probably even roast a massive dry fowl as usual if you don’t mind it black on the outside and poisonous in the middle, which is a traditional barbecuing technique anyway.

You could get away from your family

The worst bit of Christmas is at approximately 5.30pm when the presents have been opened and the food has been eaten, but no one is drunk enough yet to pass out in a chair. Everyone is tipsy and tetchy, which would be much easier to deal with if you could hide at the bottom of the garden instead of locking yourself in the downstairs loo.

You’ll get better presents

Giving someone a bike, a drone or a radio-controlled car in winter is just taking the piss as they’ll have to wait for months to be able to enjoy it. If we celebrated in June you could give granny a Super Soaker and she’d absolutely love it. 

You wouldn’t have to worry about Covid

Hopefully Covid won’t still be trundling on next Christmas, but if it is then summer festivities would stop all the low-level tension and stress of the virus. You’d be ventilated and warm while opening your presents, and not spend the next week worrying you’ve murdered octogenarian Uncle George by breathing on him.