Britain declares itself finally ready for epic festival of self-indulgence

THE UK has declared itself just about ready to eat and drink everything it wants while awarding itself expensive gifts.

Across the country, Britons have decided that it is as prepared as it is every going to be  to watch special television with a tub of chocolates at one hand and a bottle of prosecco in the other.

Mary Fisher of Swansea said: “If you’d asked me last weekend I wouldn’t have been sure if I fancied not going to work, drinking champagne at 11am and then unwrapping all kinds of lovely things I’ve coveted for ages, but the time seems right now.

“There’s just something about Christmas that makes you enjoy inhaling a full tube of Pringles during The One Show, then a few truffles, then half a bottle of Bailey’s then a few whiskies to finish the evening while gloating over all your loot.

“At any other point I’m sure I’d get bored of having everything I want 24 hours a day, and I know the kids certainly wouldn’t like a constant stream of new toys while all rules are indefinitely suspended.

“I don’t know why it’s all fine at this time of year. Probably Jesus.”