Britain declares itself finally ready for epic festival of self-indulgence

THE UK has declared itself just about ready to eat and drink everything it wants while awarding itself expensive gifts.

Across the country, Britons have decided that it is as prepared as it is every going to be  to watch special television with a tub of chocolates at one hand and a bottle of prosecco in the other.

Mary Fisher of Swansea said: “If you’d asked me last weekend I wouldn’t have been sure if I fancied not going to work, drinking champagne at 11am and then unwrapping all kinds of lovely things I’ve coveted for ages, but the time seems right now.

“There’s just something about Christmas that makes you enjoy inhaling a full tube of Pringles during The One Show, then a few truffles, then half a bottle of Bailey’s then a few whiskies to finish the evening while gloating over all your loot.

“At any other point I’m sure I’d get bored of having everything I want 24 hours a day, and I know the kids certainly wouldn’t like a constant stream of new toys while all rules are indefinitely suspended.

“I don’t know why it’s all fine at this time of year. Probably Jesus.”

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Friend borrows DVD in full knowledge he will never give it back

A MAN has borrowed a DVD from his friend knowing full well he will never return it.

Tom Logan borrowed Nathan Muir’s copy of  Vertigo after the two had met up for a yearly drink and catch up at Muir’s flat.

Muir said: “He was looking at my DVDs while we were chatting about stuff and he saw Vertigo. He said he’d never seen it and asked if he could borrow it and ‘give it a watch’.

‘Now, I know I won’t see Tom for another 3-4 months, at least ,and even then, he’s not likely to be carrying my copy of  Vertigo on him.’

‘So, what he essentially asked me was, ‘Can I have this DVD?’.

“And if I say ‘No’, then I suppose that makes me some sort of prick.”

Muir added: “I didn’t get him a Christmas present or anything but that still doesn’t mean he gets to pick a DVD at random and take it home with him.”

Logan said: “I could try and justify it, but it’s really just a form of theft.”