Britain given easy choice between a long, healthy life or crisps

THE UK is facing a choice between continuing to eat crisps or living longer, and made its decision before reaching the end of this sentence.

A new study showing links between ultra-processed foods like crisps and biscuits and heart disease, cancers, diabetes and mental health problems has been accepted calmly by a country that will continue to eat crisps.

Nathan Muir of Enfield said: “If that’s the way it is, fine. I’ll be over here eating crisps.

“This isn’t fags, which were inconvenient and stank. It’s not booze, which is so disgusting on first sip you have to work to develop a taste for it. It’s crisps, for God’s sake. Life without them is no life at all.

“Some bloke in a lab coat really believes I’m turning my back on that galaxy of flavours? From sweet chilli to streaky bacon to the exquisite joy of a BBQ Beef Hula Hoop?

“I don’t fear death. Not like I fear 30 years without the mouth-blistering sensation of a whole bag of Sainsbury’s Onion Rings for lunch. And when the reaper comes, I’ll offer him one.”

Dr Helen Archer said: “I finished the study and opened a bag of McCoy’s. Why fight it?”

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Six depraved student habits you can't take with you into normal life   

AT university, the bar for acceptable behaviour is basically subsurface. However, do any of these things as a proper adult and you will become a social leper.   

Liquid breakfast 

Far from the nutritious chia seed smoothie enjoyed by busy mums on their way to a morning yoga class, starting the day with a few swigs of last night’s vodka to take away the taste of last night’s pints is not a balanced meal. And, if you do it before going to work after you’ve graduated, you’ll get sacked and then your worried family will send you to rehab.

Awful laundry habits 

You might choose which t-shirt to wear by guessing which one has spent the least amount of time on your bedroom floor, but at least you have more self-respect than the weirdo washing her pants in the sink of your shared kitchen. You observe to a fellow flatmate that this is disgusting before using a pan from that same sink to cook your instant noodles.

A nocturnal sleep schedule 

At the moment, if you greet your housemates in a dressing gown at three in the afternoon because you’ve just woken up from a nap which was four hours too long to qualify as one, no one bats an eyelid. Doing this as an adult will prompt concern for your mental health and gossip from the neighbours if they see you taking the bins out in your pyjamas.

Skipping manageable commitments 

At a regular 9 to 5, missing a meeting because you couldn’t be bothered to walk to the room wouldn’t really fly with your boss. For now, though, this is an entirely acceptable excuse for the register, and one which will invite the utmost sympathy from your hippy tutors.

Decorating with food waste 

Like every other student in the world, you believe that the wall of beer cans serving you for curtains is a very classy and original feature. However, the plates covered in spent spliffs and fag butts littering your room can’t be passed off as ornamental potpourri, even by your admittedly low standards. Invite someone back to this after a date when you’re over the age of 22 and you’ll never get a shag again.

The tactical chunder 

When you aren’t at university, the only situation in which it may be acceptable to purposefully throw up to make room for more booze is if you were at a Roman banquet, and they don’t have many of those in Warwick University’s student union bar. At no other point in your life will anyone watch you be sick into a drain and tell you you’re a legend, so enjoy it while it lasts.