BRITAIN’S hospitals have been replaced by massive holes in the ground, it has emerged.
As the country was being distracted by the unfunniest display by a standup comedian since ITV’s Show Me The Funny 24 hours earlier, eyewitnesses reported A&E departments up and down the country being bundled into the backs of vans.
Nikki Hollis, who used to live opposite Carlisle General Hospital, said: “I looked out of my window, which faced the paediatrics ward, and I could see these blokes in overalls measuring it up and working out the best place for the Charlie Brooks Kriotherapy Centre.
“The next thing I knew it was being loaded onto a flatbed truck and driven off. I called the police but they said they were busy watching BBC News 24.”
Thousands of bewildered patients are currently wandering near the new craters carrying their grapes and get-well-soon cards in carrier bags looking for somebody to change their IV drips.
Health minister Simon Burns said: “This is about introducing choice. We want communities up and down the country to be able to choose whether the crater becomes a beauty spa that they can’t afford or a golf course that they can’t afford.”
Roy Hobbs, a 53-year-old taxi driver recovering from a hernia operation, said: “I must admit that the crater is less crowded, the food’s better and I’m not as worried about catching MRSA.
“I had been wondering who was going to remove my stitches but then I noticed a jagged piece of pipe where the toilets used to be so I’ll probably just rub them against that until they pop.”