Britons may not be drinking enough boiling hot tea, warn nans

BRITAIN’S grandmothers are concerned repeated heatwaves are tempting the foolish towards unhealthy chilled drinks and away from traditional scalding beverages.

Our wise elders have warned the country that even in today’s 33-degree temperatures, they should remember the best way to cool down is with a big mug of nice hot tea.

Grandmother of eight Margaret Gerving said: “Hydrating? My grandfather served 22 years in the British Raj, and he never hydrated once. He stuck to hot tea.

“I’m all for this keeping curtains and windows closed all day, though I don’t hold with this opening them at night. But why drink water when a freshly-brewed pot of Tetley’s is available? That’s quenching.

“We had summers twice as hot as this, popping tar bubbles and frying eggs in them, and the kettle was never off. Tea heats up the body which has a cooling effect, it’s common sense proved by top scientists like Heinz Wolff.

“Tea is the most suitable drink to consume in all weathers and for all occasions. If you’re fancy you can have coffee. Either way, remember the golden rule and keep it piping. Also, for lunch, think about a stew.”

Grandson Kayden Gerving said: “When I die I go to heaven, for I have already served my time in hell sipping tea at my nan’s house in 44 degree temperatures. With Tipping Point on.”

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No way of knowing Jared Leto, Johnny Depp and Russell Brand were creepy

THE world is shocked by revelations that Jared Leto has been accused of serial abuse, stressing they could never have suspected the Joker actor was a freaky creep. 

Leto, who specialises in playing monsters, villains and twisted perverts, has joined Russell Brand and Johnny Depp on the list of stars any women would instinctively avoid being alone with and who have stunned the world by being outed as abusers.

Tom Logan of Plymouth said: “Russell Brand? Who left an old man voicemails about shagging his granddaughter? I, for one, was on the floor when I heard he was a bad guy.

“And then Depp texted that he wanted to ‘burn’ Amber Heard. The bloke arrested for trashing a hotel room that contained his then girlfriend in 1994? Say it ain’t so, Johnny! I can’t believe that of a kooky pirate with a funny walk.

“Leto has the intense stare, long hair and general air of a man who revels in his own corrupted power, and that was the perfect disguise. I never suspected he was texting underage girls, even when it had been previously alleged.

“I thought he just wanted to help them break into Hollywood. Likewise I felt Johnny Depp was only an out-of-control rum-swigging rock-n-roll wildman within sensible limits, and Brand was scrupulous about consent. How could anyone have connected the dots?

“It’s really important not to judge guys by appearances, actions, stated intentions or repeated, serious allegations. Otherwise we’d all be in trouble.”