Can you fit into the jeans you wore when you were 21 or of course f**king not?

ANYONE who no longer fits into the jeans they wore aged 21 is at risk of diabetes, but are you safe? Of course f**king not, but take our quiz: 

What waist size are your jeans? 

A) The same size as the day I celebrated my 21st birthday

B) 36, but that’s only because I buckle them in the shadow of my overhanging gut

How would you describe your average lunch? 

A) A sharing bag of Kettle Chips, a bottle of full-sugar Lucozade, a Mars Duo and a Marlboro Gold, just like when I was 21

B) Something healthy from the canteen, unless it’s been a stressful morning when I might nip to Pret, unless I’m working from home when I might eat an entire chocolate fudge cake

Do you exercise? 

A) Now they don’t have table service in pubs I’m kept pretty busy going to the bar and back, and the toilet, and of course out for a fag

B) I have a cross-trainer in the garage, a Peleton in the bedroom, I’m a member of a gym and my hybrid bike cost £1,200. But no

Can you still fit into the same jeans you wore age 21? 

A) Course I can, and I still wear them regularly

B) Of course I f**king can’t, and anyway I was 21 in 1998 so everyone was in combats


Mostly As: You are either aged 21 or were already morbidly obese at 21, but well done! Diabetes is a sure thing but you’ve beaten the framing of this question.

Mostly Bs: Unless you change your lifestyle you’ll never fit into a pair of jeans you bought from MadHouse in 1998 and threw away after they were badly soiled at your millennium party. More fool you.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Electric car drivers suffocating on own smugness

DRIVERS of electric vehicles are being asphyxiated by their own toxic smugness during the fuel crisis, it has emerged. 

Motorists with all-electric vehicles have been given medical attention after found slumped over their steering wheels near-unconscious with huge self-satisfied smiles.

Commodities trader Ryan Whittaker said: “I actually thought I’d be immune from passing out due to pompous superiority, because I already drive a Tesla.

“But the pious high of my tiny carbon footprint was as nothing once everyone started freaking out and rushing to petrol stations and I was sailing past, somehow even more conceited than ever.

“As I glided silently past the fume-choked queue with a shit-eating grin on my face, I realised the atmosphere within my car was so noxiously holier-than-thou that I was blacking out. My last act was to roll my eyes at the sheeple.”

Paramedic Sue Traherne said: “We give them oxygen, but the fuel crisis means they can’t even turn on the news without radiating dangerous levels of pity for the fools that surround them.

“We may have to smash up their cars with hammers. For their own good.”