Chief medical officer: 'None of the comforting bullshit you believe is true'

THE chief medical officer has informed Britain that none of the comforting bollocks it is telling itself about coronavirus is remotely accurate. 

Professor Chris Whitty joined chief scientific adviser Sir Patrick Vallance to blow away all the nice little illusions the UK has allowed itself about why Covid will not affect them in any way.

Viewer Nathan Muir said: “I turned on the TV, confident I would see proper serious experts confirm everything I’d learned on social media about this coronavirus basically being nothing to worry about.

“Instead they callously and heartlessly informed me that it’s not a weaker strain, that it’s not just young people getting it, that there’s no herd immunity and that if infections continued to rise so would deaths. Talk about a buzzkill.

“Even at the vaccine bit, which my mate Martin said on WhatsApp they’ve discovered already and he’s had it, they were all like ‘probably not until next year’.

“I don’t know why they let these people on if they’re just going to deliver cold, hard truths in an unfriendly way. Frankly it’s insensitive. Can we fire them?”

The unambiguous, factual message delivered by the pair will be completely confused in a later address by the prime minister, who will say anything that might make people like him.

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The only reasons your landline could possibly be ringing

JESUS Christ, what’s that noise? And where is it coming from? Ah, it’s the landline you’re obliged to keep in order to have broadband. But who could be ringing? 

Accident compensation helpline

An artificial voice will pause for a little too long before asking if you’ve been in an accident that wasn’t your fault. This is your ideal chance to unburden yourself of the guilt you’ve been carrying since you drove into that bus queue and got away with it in 2007.

Tech support for parents

The one piece of technology your parents have mastered is the landline, and it’s the blunt tool they use to attack every other technological problem. Yes, you can help them top up their mobile but only if they remove it from the drawer where they keep it carefully switched off to save the battery.

Banking scam

Someone is hoping you’re old and confused enough to believe they’re from NatWest and will confirm all your confidential details so he can advise you of fraud on your account. Tell him of course, you’ll just get them from upstairs, then walk away and carry on with your day.

An old friend calling for a chat

The weirdest of all: what will they do next, turn up in your bedroom at 4am? It becomes clear they meant to call your mobile, but after this you both find it best to discreetly end the friendship.

The Government’s track-and-trace team

Extremely unlikely to happen but if it does, they’ll tell you that you need to stay indoors for the next 14 days or be fined £10,000. Essentially just like the banking scam call but from Boris.