THE war on blackheads will soon be won by Britain’s men, thanks to Clinique’s Nuclear Face Holocaust range.
Dr Julian Cook, head of Clinique’s Skynet Research facility, said “100 percent of men have pungent beige sebum oozing from every orifice.
“None of those we asked could tell us what Clinique Pore Refiner was for, while only half would recommend it to a friend. So now we’ve called it Hiroshima Death Blast Lotion.”
The beauty giant has also unveiled its Tropical Biohazard Annihilation Scrub.
Cook added: “Man has seen what Ebola can do to his insides but he’s never stopped dreaming of the day he could do the same thing to his face.
“Biohazard Annihilation combined with the Khmer Rouge Year Zero Sponge System will revolutionise the world of masculine exfoliation.
“And once man has defeated his own face his attention will inevitably turn to the sun.
“The SPF8 in the new Van Damme Damn Man Tan will allow the average man to get within 16 feet of its surface. From here, he can easily trounce it with a series of devastating roundhouse kicks.
“As King Leonidas said in the movie 300, ‘This war will not be won until the blackheads of Xerxes have been ripped clean off his spineless Persian face.’ And men should trust Leonidas, not just because he was a legendary military strategist but because being from the Aegean, he was prone to visible pores.”