Cure for sick hamster is new hamster, vet tells child

A CHILD has been told the only cure for her hamster’s illness is to surgically remove it and replace it with a healthy one.

The operation, known as a hamsterectomy, is completely painless, though owners may notice some minor differences in their pet’s behaviour, colour, species and sex afterwards.

Vet Helen Archer continued: “We diagnose this for all hamster ailments. It has a 100 per cent success rate.

“Just one little injection to knock him out, then once we’re finished the hamster is good as new with a couple of years actually added to his lifespan.”

Dr Archer, who did not spend five years at veterinary college to cure vermin, recommends the same procedure for gerbils, ferrets, mice and fish.

Seven-year-old Joanna Kramer said: “And apparently if I get bored of him there’s another operation that changes him into a budgie.”

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Daily Mail sent chocolate mosque with note saying ‘bite me’

THE Daily Mail has taken delivery of an elaborate chocolate mosque accompanied by an angry note.

It is suspected the giant confectionery is from Bake Off champion Nadiya Hussain after Mail columnist Amanda Platell revealed Mary Berry was secretly hoping for a big chocolate mosque made by an elderly white protestant.

The mosque is currently sitting in the middle of the Daily Mail newsroom, surrounded by journalists desperate to devour it for a wide variety of reasons.

Mail columnist Stephen Glover said: “I’m very worried about creeping Islamisation and I love chocolate. Eating this mosque will be both patriotic and delicious. A stunning victory for Christian chocaholics.”

But Platell has warned her colleagues not to eat the mosque as it ‘will make them go muslim’.

In an email, she said: “They add a special ingredient. It’s very dangerous. I will take it home and destroy it.”