Darth Vader 'was just vaping'

DARTH Vader’s harsh respiratory sounds were caused by vaping Blueberry Ice, according to a new documentary. 

The Sith Lord was thought to have damaged his lungs on a volcano planet in one of the films nobody likes to think about, but admitted that actually the noise was from his box mod.

He continued: “Remember when I arrived on that Rebel spaceship in a massive cloud of smoke. I’d just had a big old vape on the shuttle up, because I was nervous about meeting Princess Leia.

“I’d quit the fags because Grand Moff Tarkin had made the Death Star a no smoking area, just to spite me basically, so I switched to vaping and I’ve never looked back. It’s far heathier.

“I got the box installed on my chest, because I once confused my vape and my lightsaber and that’s a mistake you don’t want to make twice, and the different buttons are different flavours.

“That’s Lemon Sherbert, that’s Cherry Cola, that’s American Lites Tobacco and the one on the right’s Strawberry Cheesecake. That one’s disgusting actually.

“Emperor Palpatine? Smokes a pipe. But he’s never seen doing it in the actual films, because he knows he’s a role model to kids.”

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'Glasgow Kiss' gets Protected Designation of Origin status

A HEADBUTT to the face can now only be termed a ‘Glasgow Kiss’ if it is administered within five miles of the city’s centre, according to new rules. 

The popular method of Saturday night assault has been awarded Protected Designation of Origin status by the EU due to its historical importance and because a drunk man aggressively demanded it.

A spokesman for VisitScotland said: “Like Melton Mowbray and the pork pie, or Champagne and its champagne, Glasgow has given the world something special.

“The Glasgow Kiss is famous in late-night hostelries throughout the world, but its success means that puny headbutts that don’t even break bone are being called Glasgow Kisses and diluting the brand.

“Only within the city boundary can sticking the nut in be referred to as a Glasgow Kiss.

“Anyone infringing this will hear from our ‘legal team’, who will be totally steamin’ on JD and coke. Now get to fuck.”

The ruling has led to a surge in non-food PDO applications, including one on behalf of the mysteriously named but apparently devastating ‘Plymouth Lollipop’.