Do you give a shit what f**king vaccine you get? Take our quiz

THE Welsh are getting the Moderna jab while under-30s are advised not to get the AstraZeneca jab. Do you care at this point or would you take anything? Find out with our quiz.

How old are you? 

A) Aged between 30 and 49.

B) What do I need to say? If you want me to say I’m 120 I will. I’ve been locked in my flat for a f**king year at this point.

Do you have any underlying health conditions? 

A) Sometimes I get short of breath, for example when I’ve been for a run or climbed a steep hill.

B) I have the underlying condition of needing to be out of this bollocks as soon as possible.

Are there Covid variants in your area? 

A) Possibly, though it’s difficult to ascertain by the naked eye.

B) Does it matter? Am I not more protected by being vaccinated whether it’s the Kent, Brazilian, South African or f**king Micronesian variant regardless? 

What nationality are you? 

A) British, and there’s no doubt in my mind that Covid would know that.

B) Whatever nationality I need to be. All the Americans on Twitter are getting the jab. Would it help if I yelled ‘Yippie-ki-ya, motherf**ker’ because I’ll do it.

Do you have strong feelings of loyalty toward particular pharmaceutical giants? 

A) Absolutely. I’ve always been a Pfizer supporter, my whole family are Pfizer supporters, and I couldn’t countenance turning against them even in this time of crisis.

B) I will have the Sputnik jab if it’s available. I would have a jab bought from the Dark Web. I would have a jab sold over the counter at Londis.


Mostly As: You are rightly considering which vaccine is right for you, while taking heed of all government advice on the issue which differs from advice by all other governments. You are a model citizen and should be proud.

Mostly Bs: You couldn’t care less which vaccine you receive, believing protection against Covid is more important than your health. How irresponsible. Luckily the government is looking after that for you. Stay indoors.

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'F**k it, let's all go indoors': the five new ways to know you're too pissed

UNSURE how to spot you’ve had one too many now you can’t get kicked out of the pub for vomiting in a pint glass? Here are the tell-tale signs in the age of Covid.

You think hypothermia is something you can drink through

So your extremities are numb but that’s not something that another triple brandy won’t fix, is it? And by ‘fix’ you mean ‘render you so insensible that you fall asleep in the garden and wake up with crows pecking your fingers’?

You throw anything on the barbecue

Barbecue, fire pit, whatever: when you’re drunk enough to engage with man’s primal question of ‘what will burn’ then it’s time to stop. Instead you’ll start burning Stella boxes, random sticks, litter and mouthfuls of vodka, spat straight into the flames. 

Your annoying neighbours are your best mates

You’ve been involved in a boundary dispute with your neighbours since 2017 and their dog shits all over your lawn but they’re the first people you’ve seen properly since lockdown and now you’ve had two bottles of Shiraz you love them. And after a bottle of gin they’re equally keen on you. 

You drunkenly purchase a patio heater

Even though you’ve drunk so much that your beer jacket should now be fully functioning, you’re still cold. Rather than telling your mates to go home your solution is to spend two hundred quid on an ex-pub garden patio heater, which turns out to be broken.

You say ‘F**k it guys, let’s all go indoors’

Having been incredibly careful for a whole year, you’ll know you’re shitfaced when you throw caution to the wind and invite five mates into your home from the garden for impromptu YouTube karaoke the moment the breeze picks up. You come down with Covid the next day.