Monday, 19th April 2021

Want to feel old? Here's what you look like now

CURIOUS to see what the relentless passage of time looks like? Pick up a mirror and pay attention:

Dead eyes

The shine of optimism has long faded. Years of struggle, grim headlines and doomscrolling social media has reduced your eyes to greying pebbles swivelling in sockets framed with crow’s feet. It’s only a matter of time until they become blackened coals like The Snowman has, in the cartoon you saw on its debut 39 years ago.

Bloated physique

Your metabolism conked out ages back and now look at the state of you. Getting off the sofa sends your heart rate through the roof and belts are a distant memory. It’s almost as if going to the gym once every other month wasn’t enough to maintain the toned physique you took for granted as a teenager.

Receding hairline

Assuming you’ve still got a hairline. In all likelihood your greying strands have already migrated downward from your head to sprout wildly out of your ears, shoulders and back.  You tried waxing them off once but it hurt and they just grew back thicker.

Messed-up teeth

Despite wearing braces 20 years ago, your teeth are now as organised as crazy paving. Years of fags and coffee have given them a horrible sepia tint, like war footage. You could get them realigned and whitened, but then you’ll look like you’ve made an effort and will be horribly mocked by everyone.

Bewildered expression

A lined forehead and confused sneer are all classic signs that you look over-the-hill. Try calculating how long ago your eighteenth birthday was to get the most out of this expression of depressed disbelief. Remember: pulling back your pudgy skin to smooth out the wrinkles will make you look younger, but you can’t hold it in place forever.