Doctors evil, explains Hunt

DOCTORS only do it because they like cutting people up or making them take their clothes off, health secretary Jeremy Hunt has claimed.

As the dispute over junior doctors’ contracts continued, Hunt argued that only perverts and psychopaths would enjoy being doctors.

He said: “Making people take their trousers off would get you arrested if you did it outside a hospital, but these sick individuals have somehow convinced everyone they should get paid for it.

“Operations are incredibly revolting, there’s no way a normal sane person could do one because it’s too nasty. Who on earth would enjoy cutting open actual human beings and fiddling around with all the slimy stuff inside? 

“As for prostate exams, they’re just doing that so they can secretly film it and make a YouTube compilation video of people’s funny expressions.”

Hunt added that unless further strike action was called off the police would investigate any doctor who went beyond the bounds of “proper medicine” such as giving out cough syrup and lollipops.

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Friend of friend turns out to be massive arse

A FRIEND’S friend has revealed himself to be an unmitigated arsehole.

Popular office worker Tom Logan’s current friends met his old friend Wayne Hayes during a trip to the pub in which Hayes turned out to be confusingly detestable.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Tom’s cool, so I assumed his mate Wayne would be nice too. That was before he kept looking at my breasts while simultaneously being rude to me.

“Wayne was unnecessarily argumentative which I think was an attempt to pick me up by establishing himself as a dominant alpha male. That didn’t work because I’m not a female monkey.

“Maybe Tom’s an arsehole too but he’s better at hiding it. You can’t help wondering.”

Fellow friend Stephen Malley said: “Wayne has views that are dodgy enough to make you pretend you need the toilet so you can get talking to someone else on the way back. He told me to google whether there really are more mosques than chip shops in Leicester.”

During the evening Hayes also alienated Logan’s friends with his views on feminism, by recounting the entire plot of The Force Awakens and by being anally retentive about who he had bought drinks for.

Tom Logan said: “Wayne’s alright really. Actually he’s not. Maybe it’s time to stop basing a friendship on sitting together during geography lessons in 1986.”