Memphis Ocelots win Superbowl by eight seconds

AMERICA celebrated last night as the Memphis Ocelots beat the Las Vegas Assholes in the Superbowl.

The match was billed as a showdown between Memphis’ star shin-quarter Rexley Halfpipe and Vegas’ ring-fencer Chest Dimebag, but both were ruled out after testing positive for French DNA.

American Footballogist Tom Logan said: “When the Ocelots pulled a ballbag in the eighth innings I thought it was game over. Thank god the judges called a Cheese Violation.

“The Assholes were at their best during the fish course, but ultimately they were outclassed by the Ocelots’ state-of-the-art metal detectors.”

The Superbowl has become famous for debuting commercials and yesterday was no exception, with WASP Menswear unveiling their new line of slip-on cardigans, modelled by former N-RON boyband member Hal Teeth.

The half-time entertainment, scheduled for two hours while officials cleared the pitch of embedded dildos and road flares, was typically spectacular as Beyonce ass-clapped the national anthem before firing a pig into orbit.

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Normal people to commandeer the nice bits of hipsters' lifestyles

NORMAL people will be able to commandeer the lifestyle of a local hipster, it has been confirmed.

The hipsters will be flushed out of semi-gentrified urban areas using a combination of instant coffee spray and loudhailers playing mainstream music.

Normal people will then take the hipsters’ tables at pop-up food venues and funky cocktail bars, while the hipsters are rounded up and forced to work in a provincial HMV.

Nikki Hollis, from Deptford, said: “There’s a load of lovely coffee shops and fancy burger places which I have been unable to use because of ‘them’.

“Of course we’ll only be able to enjoy it once a month because it costs a fiver for a tiny portion of chips that come in a hollowed-out Gameboy.”

Tom Logan, a barista, DJ and cupcake technician, said: “This is just like the Highland clearances. Which, by the way, is also the name of my Stylophone quartet.”