Thursday, 29th October 2020

'Don't buy matching outdoor jackets' and other anti-ageing tips

IS ageing inevitable or can you stave it off by avoiding the pitfalls of older people obsessed with gardening and the past? These tips are all worth a try.

Don’t get into ‘walks’

One of the first signs of ageing is starting to enjoy ‘walks’ in the ‘fresh air’, usually to somewhere quite dull. The longer you stay away from the great outdoors and in your cramped and polluted city, with occasional trips to other cramped and polluted cities, the younger you will seem.

Watch what you wear

Avoid buying matching his-and-hers outdoor jackets. Other clothing warning signs include elasticated trousers and supermarket trainers. Comfy and practical, yes, but also sending out the message that you are resigned to a life of mundane coupledom until the grave.

Don’t live in the past

This can take various forms, such as researching your family tree or developing an interest in British history. If you find yourself getting out your new book on the Tudors to show people, stop. Alternatively you may start talking about the past far too much, like your own parents, except you’ll be boring people with Sleeper gigs instead of having a black-and-white telly.

Don’t get too financially comfortable

Living without financial security or savings is increasingly common, which is great news for anyone seeking eternal youth. And without a house or spending money in the bank, you won’t be buying gardening stuff and telling people about it, or joining a golf club. 

Do not talk about your car

The only appropriate contexts in which to discuss cars are if you’re stealing them or having sex in them. Any chat about how your car ‘handles’, how your journey was, or which car you are looking to buy next will age you at least 10 years. 

Never own a strimmer

You know those tricky bits of grass you can’t get to with the mower? You shouldn’t, because it makes you sound like someone who has given up on life.