Exactly how fat are you going to end up?

SEVEN weeks into staying in all day with nothing to do but eat, we’re all already fat. But how much fatter will you get? Find out: 

How many meals do you eat a day?

A) Three, of course
B) We’re now up to around seven. It could be more, but the eating is so continuous they blend into each other

Do you know how much cheese is the recommended daily portion?

A) A surprisingly small piece, around the size of a matchbox
B) I walk around the house taking bites of a wedge of cheese like it was a slice of toast. So probably a lump about the size of my own head?

Where are you reading this?

A) In the park which I’m running round rapidly while doing quizzes on my phone to keep my mind active as well as my body
B) Slumped on the stairs because the sofa has Deliveroo boxes on it from last night that I can’t be bothered to move, and because my body now provides its own cushioning

What’s first dinner?

A) What? Dinner isn’t a numbered meal
B) First dinner comes before second dinner. Second dinner is what comes before supper. It’s simple. You have to maintain some coherent logic in these challenging times


Mostly As: You will emerge from lockdown no more than ten pounds heavier, which you will talk about constantly while your bloated colleagues stare blankly at you

Mostly Bs: If you emerge from lockdown at all, you will look like Jabba the Hutt. But so will everyone else so it’ll be normal so keep eating the Hobnobs.

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Woman's copy of Normal People has ten pleasure settings

A WOMAN’S paperback copy of Normal People has three different speeds and ten different pleasure settings, she has confirmed. 

Eleanor Shaw picked up the millennial love story by Sally Rooney assuming it would be a breezy summer pageturner, but was shocked to discover it was capable of rocking her world even with the lights out.

She said: “I thought it was odd at the supermarket when the woman blushed and put it in a separate bag, like you do with raw chicken. Now it makes total sense.

“On the walk home I leafed through a couple of pages and had to force myself to stop because I nearly collapsed in a sweaty heap right there and then.

“When I got in I hid it under my mattress, and I’m only cracking it out in the dead of night when I’m convinced my flatmates are asleep. I mean the book’s quiet enough, but I’m not when it’s finished with me.

“I’ve already had to replace the batteries twice, and the motor’s making a funny whining noise. But I can’t stop. I’m just at the bit where they reconcile. You need to leave now.”