SCHOOL has been redefined for a generation as one hour plugged into an app followed by five hours in the garden, kids have confirmed.
Children aged five to 15 have to put in a solid hour doing the work their teacher has managed to get on an app of some kind, then they go out on the trampoline and are not allowed in the house until the afternoon.
An education spokesperson said: “Typically home-schooling starts promisingly with fronted adverbials and spellings, but then Mummy needs to take a work call and the kids get stuck on Rocket League.
“Attempts to resume are greeting by looks of scathing disgust at their educator, usually accompanied by sliding from their slumped position off the sofa and onto the floor.
“They are forced to complete the work, then have a well-intentioned thirty-minute break which extends to an average total of five hours before lunch is served, though they’ve already had crisps.
“Watering the plants at 3pm is not an adequate home science substitute, and making TikTok videos is not music, movement and drama. These kids are doing f**k-all.”
Mum Carolyn Ryan said: “That’s not fair. Noah also spent twenty minutes on an app-based maths game that involved chucking numbers at a penguin.”