Can we go on holiday? and four other Guardian reader concerns

WORRIED your pampered liberal lifestyle won’t survive the pandemic? What are the questions sending your anxiety through the roof? 

Will there be a third series of Fleabag?

There has never been and will never be anything as wonderful as Fleabag. So transgressive, the pretty posh girl. But if Phoebe brings it back, will it be as good? Could it be ruined? Could you gain social capital by saying it’s ruined before anyone else?

Is PPE eco-friendly?

PPE looks after NHS workers and saves lives, however it’s single-use by design and sheds microplastics found in eels’ stomachs. But even though it’s on the Guardian blacklist, unless you’ve discovered a holistic cure for the coronavirus, it’s the lesser evil.

Should I start a lockdown podcast?

Absolutely not. Nobody will listen, nobody will go on it, and you’ll bore yourself droning on about how you struggled to find harissa spice mix in Marks & Spencer.

Are face masks fast fashion?

They might not be on the catwalk, but face masks are set to be the signature look of 2020. Rather using frontline medical supplies, upcycle your own out of a North Face cagoule to achieve that self-righteous, metropolitan elite glow.

Can I go on holiday abroad?

What do you think? The whole planet’s diseased right now so your tour of the Alsace wine region will have to wait. The smug middle-class thing to do instead is discover wonderful countryside just a few miles from home, gosh. Check out my Instagram.

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Woman who's stopped contouring face forced to admit she's 2D

A WOMAN’S makeup-free lockdown regime has revealed that her previous facial contouring efforts were the only reason she appeared to have three dimensions.

Nikki Hollis initially continued her extensive shading and enhancing makeup techniques for the first few weeks of lockdown for fear of people’s reactions if they saw how two-dimensional she actually is.

Hollis said: “Surprisingly the response from colleagues over Zoom has been warm and supportive. Ultimately, the people who really know me can see the kind of person I am underneath all the makeup anyway – flat like an envelope, but with kind eyes.”

Hollis’s colleague Tom Logan said: “I prefer the natural look in women but I was surprised to see her looking so different at the morning meeting. However, she’s obviously good at contouring so I’ve asked her for tips on how to make my beer belly look like a six-pack.”

Hollis added: “I used to think slapping on makeup was the only way people would like me, but I’ve realised I was just conforming to society’s narrow expectations of how many dimensions I should have.”