Britain frantically relearning how to get dressed

BRITISH people are desperately trying to remember how to dress their hideous bodies in fabric tubes called clothes.

With lockdown restrictions set to ease up slightly, Britons are wrestling with buttons, clasps and zips in a vain attempt to get dressed properly for the first time in weeks.

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “I haven’t changed out of my pyjamas since March. At first it was because I’m lazy, but now it’s because I’ve completely forgotten how.

“I’m not even entirely sure where the elasticated pyjama bottoms end and my body begins. Maybe this scratchy plaid material is part of my skin and I have to wear clothes on top of it?”

Nikki Hollis said: “I tried watching a YouTube tutorial on how to slip on a dress, but it was half an hour long and cut to an advert every two minutes so I gave up.

“In the end I improvised by chucking a couple of gloves on my feet and mummifying myself with lightweight scarves. Have I done it right?”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Masks should be compulsory, says man feeling like twat because nobody else is wearing one

A MAN who feels like a right knobhead for being the only person in Asda wearing a mask has argued they should be made compulsory. 

Martin Bishop did a full week’s shop wearing a face mask and came out furious at the irresponsibility of other shoppers who he suspects of sniggering at him.

Bishop said: “I’m not wearing this mask to protect myself. I’m wearing it to protect others should I be asymptomatically infected. So they should have the good grace not to act like I’m the weirdo.

“If everyone was wearing a mask not only would we be reducing the risk, but people wouldn’t flinch away from me when I appear round the corner of the cheese aisle looking like Immortan Joe from Mad Max.

“So Johnson should make masks compulsory from Monday. Either that or next time I go shopping I’m leaving my mask in the car and not telling the wife.”