Friday, 29th May 2020

Britain frantically relearning how to get dressed

BRITISH people are desperately trying to remember how to dress their hideous bodies in fabric tubes called clothes.

With lockdown restrictions set to ease up slightly, Britons are wrestling with buttons, clasps and zips in a vain attempt to get dressed properly for the first time in weeks.

Office worker Martin Bishop said: “I haven’t changed out of my pyjamas since March. At first it was because I’m lazy, but now it’s because I’ve completely forgotten how.

“I’m not even entirely sure where the elasticated pyjama bottoms end and my body begins. Maybe this scratchy plaid material is part of my skin and I have to wear clothes on top of it?”

Nikki Hollis said: “I tried watching a YouTube tutorial on how to slip on a dress, but it was half an hour long and cut to an advert every two minutes so I gave up.

“In the end I improvised by chucking a couple of gloves on my feet and mummifying myself with lightweight scarves. Have I done it right?”