NOW, more than ever, we need our tabloids. Here Sun journalist Roy Hobbs explains how their daily dose of shrieking, fabricated hysteria is keeping Brits sane in their darkest hour.
Hurrah for Boris
The first duty of the tabloids is to rally round the Dear Leader and boost the blond bombshell to the hilt. It’s our duty as responsible newspapers not to let it get out that he is clueless, self-serving and incompetent as that might cause mass panic.
Important statistics on Adele’s weight loss
We are bombarded with numbers every day during this pandemic but what do they mean and can we trust them? Only the tabloids will give you the stats you really need: the exact number of kilograms Britain’s svelte chanteuse has lost, as well as some other stuff we’ve made up about her mental health.
Clap for Winston Churchill, we won the bloody war!
During this national emergency, it is important to celebrate our history, if only to obliterate our present. On VE Day, England were officially declared winners over Germany. Test and trace all you like, Mrs Merkel, you’ll still get the same result.
OK, so we don’t actually feature naked breasts anymore because we’re pretending to be respectful to women. However, if we can find a woman in a bikini we will plaster her all over our pages so you can have a perv and we can criticise her for something.
Our campaign for you to have your ‘freedom’
We’re pretending we want you to have the freedom to go about your daily lives, but what we actually mean is the freedom to go to the shops and buy a tabloid because we’re all shitting ourselves that we’re about to go under.