Couple break up over opposing views on Best Before dates

A COUPLE have finally decided to call it a day after being unable to agree on whether eating out-of-date food is acceptable or utterly vile.

Donna Sheridan filed for divorce after husband Tom threw away an entire family pack of ham that had only been open for five days.

Sheridan said: “That ham was fine.  Yes, it might say ‘Eat within two days once opened’ but no one is eating that much ham. Everyone knows they just put that on the label to make us buy more.

“He throws away loads of perfectly good food just because it smells a bit like rotten eggs or has mould on it, the pussy. As far as I’m concerned, if it’s not started crawling out of the fridge, it’s edible.”

Tom said: “I used to think it was cute how she’d scrape the layer of mould off the top of the jam instead of chucking it out. Now I realise it’s f**king disgusting and borderline lethal.

“I take my life in my hands every time it’s her turn to cook, so I’m forgoing death by salmonella in favour of being single.”

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Nation f**king sick of quizzes

PEOPLE in Britain are officially sick of doing f**king quizzes, they have confirmed.

After six weeks in lockdown the nation is bored to death of answering trivia questions via Zoom in their pyjamas.

Emma Bradford said: “I avoided quizzes before lockdown yet now we’re at one every other night. I’m seeing friends and family more than I did when we were actually allowed to see them, and that was already too much.

“It’s not like I can get out of it by claiming we can’t get a babysitter or that we’re at the dentist. I just have to sit there pretending to be interested whilst someone grinds tediously through a 20 question round on the films of M. Night Shyamalan.

“You can’t even slope off and sit on the loo for 15 minutes without anyone noticing like you can at a pub quiz. And you know what the ‘prize’ is? To host another f**king quiz.

“I’m at the point where I am hoping to get coronavirus. They won’t make me host a quiz with a dangerously high fever, will they?

“Actually, they probably will.”