Fat People Unable To Count To Two, Say Experts

FAT people will automatically lose weight if manufacturers reduce the size of chocolate bars, according to the Food Standards Agency.

The FSA said pudgy people will eat a bar of chocolate even if it is lodged in the drooling maw of an enraged wolf and will continue eating as many as they can count.

A spokesman said: "So while a fat person will say, 'I'm going to buy a chocolate bar'. They won't say 'I'm going to buy two chocolate bars' because they don't know what 'two' is. Do you see?

"As far was we can tell, the overweight live their lives in binary. We imagine that being enormous is like that bit when Keanu Reeves sees the actual Matrix, only the green squiggly lines are replaced with Curly Wurlies."

He added: "Any attempt to reach the number two will result in an exhausted, sweaty heap of confused chunkiness.

"We're confident that smaller Mars Bars will trick them into feeling full and within hours they'll be filling in a form for their local triathlon and making patronising comments about other fat people."

The FSA is also calling for all branches of Greggs to be relocated to the tops of very high mountains, based on the assumption that most fat people are too poor to afford helicopters.

Meanwhile health experts have warned that the obesity crisis, combined with the ageing population, will mean that by 2039 the UK will look like the film Cocoon if it was reflected in the back of a spoon.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Scarface To Be Tolerated

MANIAC drug dealer Tony 'Scarface' Montana today welcomed moves to tolerate his murderous insanity.

Mr Montana, a drug dealer since 1975, said he was 'fuckin' delighted' the authorities had offered not to prosecute him if he stopped killing quite so many people.

He added: "Ju want me to stop killing everyone? I suppose I could only kill four people a week, three at a push, if dat's what ju want."

Mr Montana was born in Cuba but moved to Miami in his early twenties so he could kill more people and 'fuck a whole lotta women who smell real good'.

He insisted he always wanted to be a nice drug dealer but turned into a nasty one when another drug dealer chopped up his drug dealing friend with a chainsaw, in a bath.

A spokesman for the Drug Policy Commission said: "Mr Montana is a hard working insane businessman who often finds himself being dragged into inefficient, resource-hungry turf wars.

"In order for the system to focus on harm reduction we need Mr Montana to spend less time with his guns and chainsaws and more time adding Vim to cocaine and hanging around outside schools."

Mr Montana said: "Ju need people like me. Ju need people like me so you can point jour fuckin' fingers and say, 'dat's the bad guy'. Okay so I only kill a few people now. Dat make ju happy, ju fuckin' assholes?"

Picking up a very large machine gun, he added: "Say hello to my tolerant little friend!"