FAT people will automatically lose weight if manufacturers reduce the size of chocolate bars, according to the Food Standards Agency.
The FSA said pudgy people will eat a bar of chocolate even if it is lodged in the drooling maw of an enraged wolf and will continue eating as many as they can count.
A spokesman said: "So while a fat person will say, 'I'm going to buy a chocolate bar'. They won't say 'I'm going to buy two chocolate bars' because they don't know what 'two' is. Do you see?
"As far was we can tell, the overweight live their lives in binary. We imagine that being enormous is like that bit when Keanu Reeves sees the actual Matrix, only the green squiggly lines are replaced with Curly Wurlies."
He added: "Any attempt to reach the number two will result in an exhausted, sweaty heap of confused chunkiness.
"We're confident that smaller Mars Bars will trick them into feeling full and within hours they'll be filling in a form for their local triathlon and making patronising comments about other fat people."
The FSA is also calling for all branches of Greggs to be relocated to the tops of very high mountains, based on the assumption that most fat people are too poor to afford helicopters.
Meanwhile health experts have warned that the obesity crisis, combined with the ageing population, will mean that by 2039 the UK will look like the film Cocoon if it was reflected in the back of a spoon.