THOUSANDS of recession-hit holidaymakers are planning to ignore the rain, used condoms and one-eyed donkeys this summer in a desperate attempt to enjoy the great British seaside.
Lack of money for proper holidays is the main factor driving Britons back to the bleak hell-holes that were probably quite nice before the invention of aeroplanes and heroin.
Sally Dawson, from Sussex, said: "We've just had two weeks of gruelling pretend fun in Tugby-on-Sea. You just have to have the right mindset. A bit like going to Iraq.
"My youngest said she'd found a tiny fairy's wand which turned out to be a used needle covered in a thin translucent crust. It really is a magical place where dreams come true."
She added: "The special memories for me will be my husband discovering a rotting vole in his candy floss, or when I got shot in the thigh with an airgun."
Tommy Brown, of the British Seaside Federation, said: "There's never been a better time to pretend this isn't all just completely unbearable.
"Our historic piers feature some of the world's most broken rides and the weather is the nearest you can get to being in the sea while still being on land.
"But remember, if you're on the pier and you hear a very loud siren, run as fast as you can because that means it's either on fire or about to collapse."