Record Numbers In Denial About British Seaside

THOUSANDS of recession-hit holidaymakers are planning to ignore the rain, used condoms and one-eyed donkeys this summer in a desperate attempt to enjoy the great British seaside.

Lack of money for proper holidays is the main factor driving Britons back to the bleak hell-holes that were probably quite nice before the invention of aeroplanes and heroin.

Sally Dawson, from Sussex, said: "We've just had two weeks of gruelling pretend fun in Tugby-on-Sea. You just have to have the right mindset. A bit like going to Iraq.

"My youngest said she'd found a tiny fairy's wand which turned out to be a used needle covered in a thin translucent crust. It really is a magical place where dreams come true."

She added: "The special memories for me will be my husband discovering a rotting vole in his candy floss, or when I got shot in the thigh with an airgun."

Tommy Brown, of the British Seaside Federation, said: "There's never been a better time to pretend this isn't all just completely unbearable.

"Our historic piers feature some of the world's most broken rides and the weather is the nearest you can get to being in the sea while still being on land.

"But remember, if you're on the pier and you hear a very loud siren, run as fast as you can because that means it's either on fire or about to collapse."

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Doctor Who fans reminded that it's for children

DOCTOR Who producers have once again reminded the show’s ardent fans that it is actually for children.

Fans are concerned that as a time lord from Gallifrey, the Doctor is now far beyond his or her allotted 12 regenerations and therefore the show should already have ended.

They now fear the Doctor Who universe could collapse in on itself, destroying everything including Star Wars and Battlestar Galactica.

But a BBC spokesman said: “How’s about this? We’ve just decided that The Doctor can fire Angel Delight from his or her fingertips and is sexually attracted to suspension bridges. How did we do that? Because we’re making it up as we go along.

“If you watch any third-rate comedian, he will pretend to like Knight Rider and Bazooka Joe bubblegum before talking about watching Doctor Who from behind the sofa as a child. As… a… child.”

The spokesman added: “We’re getting really sick of having to discuss Tardis engineering with 35 year-old men who smell like damp sandwiches.”