Fitness tracker a lying piece of shit

A FITNESS tracking band which counts steps and heartrate is actually a lying piece of shit, according to its owner. 

Joseph Turner, from Nantwich, has also branded the tracker, which he has been wearing since Tuesday, a fantasist, drunk, stupid and pathologically unable to tell the truth.

Turner continued: “There’s no way it’s only 431 steps from here to Tesco Metro, absolutely no way. Count them. I must have done at least 500 when I was in there as well. I went to three separate aisles.

“So why is this total bullshitter beeping at me? Yesterday I didn’t even hit 2,000 and I’d been up and down like a whore’s drawers all day.

“I reckon this one was designed for someone with shorter arms. But it’s making me look like a lazy twat, and that’s simply not true.” 

Shaking the device, Logan decided to take smaller steps in order to correctly calibrate the wrist-borne exercise aid, along with giving his hand a few extra shakes every time he sits down.

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If you don't buy my milk they will kill me, cow tells vegans

A DAIRY cow has explained to anyone doing Veganuary that if there ceases to be a market for its milk it will cease to live. 

Cow Carolyn Ryan, aged three, conceded that while vegans criticising her working conditions do have a point, they remain better than the alternative.

She continued: “Do I want to produce six to seven gallons of milk a day? Not especially. If it’s that or die? Milk away.

“Admittedly I’m none too bright, being a cow, but I can’t see a third way out of this. It’s milk or beef. There’s no heifer retirement home.

“And while you can give up being vegan in February there’s no way back for me. I can’t walk back into my old job once they need milk again. That door will be very much closed.

“So pat on the back for you and your lifestyle change, and giving up milk, and cheese, and butter, and all the other reasons I’m still alive, but don’t expect me to be that pleased about it.

“You haven’t given me a thought, have you? This is all so you’ve got something to brag about at the gym. You selfish fucking bastard.”